I would never, ever spend $100,000 on a bong. The truth is I would never spend $1,000 on a bong either, but that only proves how ridiculous $100k is. As you have heard, Phelps' bong was on ebay this week for just that price. A little rich for my blood (peasant) but it got me wondering: Just how much would I pay for an athlete's bong?
1. Ricky Williams- 10 bucks. This thing has to be pretty well used. Have you ever smelled a resi-black, stinky, weeks-old-water bong? Ugh. It's like the first scene in Grandma's Boy, where the dude breaks the bong right before the landlord walks in. There is no covering that smell.
2. Brett Favre- 30 bucks. Heavily used, mostly with dirt weed (mixed with crushed codeine), and looks like it was made in the 60's. Favre used to be an avid packer (Ithankyou) but has been able to decide at all lately whether or not to smoke, making this a motivated seller. Unless he decides to keep it. Naw, he'll sell it. But he could maybe possibly keep it...
3. Barry Bonds- 140 bucks. I have never seen a bong like this in my life. According to the ebay listing "Barry Bonds has never put any smoke in his lungs in his life.... Rrrrroooooaaaaaarrrrr!!!! I need those to breathe. That's why I had Mr. Conte create my SyringeBong. That's right, kids! Just inject the THC directly into your ass cheek or testicle. For ages 6 and up!"
Artist's Conception
4. Alex Rodriguez- 500 bucks. I would pay 500 dollars for A Rods bong, then I would put on rubber gloves, strap that baby into the car and bring it to the sperm bank to cash in on all the semen (edit) (edit) (edit) it. Not to mention the fact he is apparently an Oompa Loompa.
5. Dick Vitale- 500 bucks. This is probably the most unlikely bong owner that I could think of. This dude has been high strung for like 60 years, a bong rip could ruin his everything. He would be calm, and introspective. He could see the forest for the trees and rationally explain the action on the court. In other words, Dick Vitale high would be like Madden high... Totally awesome.
6. Visanthe Schiancoe- 250 bucks. Take it away, ebay. "This bong is, like, three feet long and is totally just hanging out there, ready for the taking. I have this habit of whipping out at the worst times and not realizing it. Please, come take this off my hands. (You will need a friend to help carry.)"
7. Tony Romo- 75 bucks. From his Dallas Craigslist ad: "Hey y'all I rully rully needa sell ma bong Rusty. I had this guy fo a few yurs but dag nubbit he dont git along with ma ol' lady. She hangs out with him an' they interact an' go to the rodeo an' drank Cokes an' next thang ya know she got the munchies and, well, shoot we all see how that done turn out. Men if you ever, ever, (EVER!) want the old Jessica back, someone gonna hafta take thisear bong. Yee Haw!"
8. Troy Williamson- 950 bucks. If anyone can find me a bong that Williamson has so much as touched without dropping it and breaking it, I will literally pay you $1,000 cash. Today.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment