Jason Kubel once shot a WWII German plane down with a grand slam that went through the Metrodome roof, over the Atlantic and back through time.

Sec 236 R22S24 4/18/09














1. Jason Kubel strikeouts cure cancer. Too bad he has never struck out.

2. When Jason Kubel plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather walk off grand slams. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Jason Kubel instead decided to slug his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

4. Jason Kubel recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

5. Jason Kubel built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Jason met all three bullets with his bat, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

6. Jason Kubel's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF JASON KUBEL!!!!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't hasten with Jason!!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

7. Jason Kubel sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled home run hitting ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Jason roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play Guitar Hero every second Wednesday of the month.

8. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Jason Kubel smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

9. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Jason Kubel--more than meets the eye, Jason Kubel--robot in disguise," and starred Jason Kubel as a Minnesota Cop who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a Zamboni. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

10. Jason Kubel was the fourth Wise man. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Jason omitted from the Bible. Shortly after, all three died of line drive related deaths.

11. Jason Kubel lives by only one rule: No White Sox.

12. When Jason Kubel's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Jason said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a line drive to the face and said, "Never question Jason Kubel."

13. Jason Kubel once shot a WWII German plane down with a grand slam that went through the Metrodome roof, over the Atlantic and back through time.

14. A man once asked Jason Kubel if his real name is "Jasonia". Jason Kubel did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

15. Jason Kubel does not sleep. He waits.

16. Jason Kubel can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

17. Jason Kubel once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and pissed on the couch, just because he's Jason Kubel.

18. Before each Twins game, Jason Kubel is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the pitchers he faces.

19. Jason Kubel took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

20.Jason Kubel found out Conan O'Brien shows clips from his classic beatings of the Red Sox and Angels and is working on a way to make it show clips of Kubel having sex with Torii Hunter's wife.

21. The chief export of Jason Kubel is pain.

22. Jason Kubel doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I.
His have a small silver oval around them. This signifies that they are silver sluggers in every form of hitting and slug the shit out of viruses. That's why Jason Kubel never gets ill.

23. Jason Kubel frequently signs up for little leagues, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

24. Jason Kubel once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

25. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea- bagged to death by Jason Kubel.

26. On location for (unnecessary) Spring Training, Jason Kubel brought a stillborn Jose Contreras back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the aging Cuban sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Jason Kubel roundhouse kicked Contreras, breaking his neck, to remind the crew once more that Jason giveth, and the good Jason, he taketh away.

27. Jason Kubel is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right biceps.

28. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Jason Kubel.
His reasoning? It was more "humane".

29. If you can see Jason Kubel, he can see you. If you can't see Jason Kubel you may be only seconds away from death.

30. Jason Kubel ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children. When they start crying Jason Kubel calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and walk off grand slams them in the face.





COMPANY: None (2)
Food/Bev: None
Attendance: 34,286 (76%)
Seat Cost: $3.08
Parking cost: $1.50
Total Spent: $4.58
Season Total: $221.84($18.48/gm)

KuUUUuuuuUUUUuuUUBbbBBBbbBBbBBbEeeeeeSSSssSS

S234, R11S2 4/17/09



Your granddad and me met each other all the way back in 2004, when the heinous George Bush was reigning terror across America (just like your history books have taught you). Our first date took place on April 17th, a Twins game vs the Royals.

While Dave wore his Twins hat and jersey as he would to any game, I decided to wear a "cute" outfit (miniskirt, fashion hat, full makeup etc). It was the last time I would commit such a faux pas.

Five years and many, many (many) Twins games later we were married. The Twins happened to be home on the fifth anniversary of our first date so we circled it on the calendar and planned to attend.

Grandpa had been crabby ALL DAY, and numerous times on the way hinted he didnt want to go to the game at all. Everything from the 'parking hassle' to 'getting up early' to 'simple laziness' was lobbed into the air as possible ways out. I kept telling him I had a feeling that it was going to be the best game ever, and that we should go. Grudgingly, he accepted.

After the first two innings he was asking me if I wanted to leave, but I said "Absolutely not. I would never leave a game early for I am a real fan." However, as the game went on his demands to leave became more intense. At one point he grabbed my wrist and attempted to force me from my seat. I told him to "MAN UP" and said if he wanted to leave he better find a bus schedule.

With the Angels leading 8-4 heading to the top of the eighth, and Matt Guerrier on to "pitch," Dave demanded to leave. He grabbed his jacket, and stood at the bottom of the section waiting for me to get up and go.

You see, he had been to the previous two nights games- both blowouts due to the insanely inept 09 bullpen -and had seen enough. When Guerrier threw a wild pitch, then gave up a sac fly to mortal enemy Torii Hunter Dave reached a fever pitch and was BOOing wildly.

I marched down to the bottom of the stairs, leaving my purse and jacket in my seat. When I got to the bottom of the stairs I slapped your grandpa right in his blasphemous face, drawing blood. With a look of anger and sadness consuming his face he moped back to his seat and began to sob. "You will thank me later," I said.

Then, as I knew it would, it began. Cuddy with a walk and a steal of second. Crede walked. Redmond SMOKED a single over Kendry Morales' head at first for an RBI.

9-5, One out.

With Jose Morales (no relation) running for Red Dog, Punto walked in a great AB, loading the bases for Denard Span. De-Nard Dogg slapped a double through the right-center field gap, scoring two.

9-7, One out.

Punto on third, Span on second. Only one out. At this point I woke up your Grandpa who had fallen asleep long ago. He awoke in time to see B Harris strikeout looking, and was not happy for being woken up for nothing. "Brendan Harris?! Really?!," he said grumpily.

9-7 Two out.

"But Justin Morneau is up next! So obviously he will get a hit!" I exclaimed. Grandpa shot me down quickly: "They will just walk him. Now let me sleep." I rolled my eyes and clapped loudly to wake him up.

Well, they did walk Morneau, the go ahead run, to face Jason Kubel. Kubel was 3-4 at this point, with a single, double and triple. He took a first pitch curveball, then.....



DBag fan of the game: This guy below, who wears his hat in such a manner that it looks like it should have a propeller on top...




COMPANY: Wife (2)
Food/Bev: None
Attendance: 24,168 (53%)
Seat Cost: $3.08
Parking cost: $3.00
Total Spent: $6.08
Season Total: $216.26($19.66/gm)

OMFG SOS

Section 208 R1S4 4/16/09



Sorry ass bullpen.....stupid Luis Ayala. Sigh. A Jay ass whuppin'.


DBag Fan of the Game!


Ponytail? Check.
Glasses? Check.
Backwards Marlboro hat? Check.
Jnco jeans? Check.
Drinking Mike's Hard Lemonade? Check.
Gangster walk? Check.
Dbag? Check.




COMPANY: Kipper (2)
Food/Bev: None
Attendance: 15,169 (33%)
Seat Cost: $3.08
Parking cost: $1.50
Total Spent: $4.58
Season Total: $210.16 ($21.01/gm)

This game never happened.

S227R10S1 4/15/09


Some might say the Blue Jays won this game 12-2, but they are lying. In my opinion it is okay to punch that person in the face.... Adios, Humber.

Scott Baker, who was supposed to be good seeing as how his picture was on my ticket (an honor not given to Liriano) gave up like a millionteen home dingers.

"Maybe if I don't see it go over the fence it isn't really happening..."





DBAG fan o' the game!!!


This retard had a retarded friend wearing orange socks and girl jeans. I could not get a picture because I was scared that it may break the camera... These hosers held up a 1992 Blue Jays championship banner for the entirety of the game. 1992. Really?




COMPANY: Mom (1)
Food/Bev: 2x Hot Dog ($2.00)
Attendance: 19,471 (43%)
Seat Cost: $21
Parking cost: $1.50
Total Spent: $22.50
Season Total: $205.58 ($22.84/gm)

Section 213

Section 213 R1 S2 4/14













General Admission seats in the Metrodome are located in the Upper Deck Outfield, sections 214(Foul territory, Right Field) through 234 (Left field corner, foul ground). These seats are a bargain at $8, provided you know where to sit.

Sections 212-213 provide the best vantage points of the aforementioned sections, with a catch. The seats are perched directly on top of the right field wall, making these seats closer to the action than many of the seats in the Home Run Porch, (Lower deck outfield). But here's the thing: You have to arrive early enough to sit in the front row. I cannot stress this enough. This typically means showing up at least an hour before game time, as they are first come-first served. IMPORTANT: If you arrive too late, and are forced to sit anywhere but THE VERY FRONT ROW please move on to a different section as described below. If you are in so much as row 2, which sounds fine, the rows below you will cut off nearly your entire view of the outfield. The higher up you go, the worse it is obviously.

The seats are fairly close to the action, situated over the famous baggie, and are well within taunting range for the RF and entire visiting bullpen (if you are into that sort of thing). The leg room is insane. Plenty of balls get hit up here in BP not to mention games, and concessions and exits are free and clear. For your 8 dollars, this cannot be beat...


Your next best bet is to try section 208, dead center field. Again the front row is key here, but not quite as extremely. This section puts you kind of far away from the action, but you are dead center with home plate making this a great ball/strike viewing area. Leg room is again a plus, as well as the concession situation. No lines.


I will fill you in on my other favorites later, as well as any new ones I discover. I leave you with the D Bag Fan O' the Game,..


It should be obvious by the picture how awful this chick was. The game you are attending features a team named the Twins. They are from Minnesota which is home to a multi-purpose stadium known as the HHH MetroDOME. The key here is that it is a Dome. There is a roof. No sunglasses needed. Also, no dirty looks needed every time I clap or boo. I know the guy next to you is crazy, because you literally almost drove me nuts from ten feet away for two hours. She was obviously a huge fan, though, as she left in the sixth inning of a tie game....

COMPANY: Zman (3)
Food/Bev: Ice Cream (3.50)
Attendance: 15,375 (34%)
Seat Cost: $3.08
Parking cost: 0
Total Spent: $3.08
Season Total: $179.90 ($22.48/gm)

It's only been a week...

Section 208 R1 S3



But to me, a few things are clear

1. Delmon Young is not the answer. I understand the Twins are trying to save face by keeping Young (and probably Harris for that matter) and are trying their hardest to justify giving away Bartlett and Garza. But this is inappropriate due to the fact that we have THREE other outfielders who are ready to contribute NOW. If there is a fly ball hit anywhere down the line, Del will waddle a few steps and play it on a hop or two. Span goes full speed for every ball, but I suppose that's easier when you aren't carrying a baby pouch. I understand that Delmon is 22, and most 22 year olds are in AA and yada yada yada. But this isn't a team that has three or four years to baby a project. Plus, we already have Gomez to frustrate the crap out of us and he is actually likable. Delmon does not fit in here, just ask Gardy or any reporter covering the Twins. Perhaps we send him to the Marlins and let him plod around with other "prospects." I'll take 'Nard Dog.

2. The bullpen will be the nasty demise of this team. Luis Ayala looks awful. The teams reliance on Matt Guerrier and Jesse Crain is an awful, awful thing that has baffled me for years.....And what after that? Humber? No thanks. Duensing? Really? It's not that I don't think the younger guys in the bullpen will eventually good. They simply looked overmatched now, though.

3. If used correctly, R.A. Dickey will have a really nice year in the dome. His knuckler was insane tonight, his first home-dome appearance for the Twins. He had a special place in tonights game as the 'only pitcher who could get anyone out all night for either team.'

4. This could be a rough season for attendance. It was really empty tonight and the scalper situation is out of control. It seems as if tons of people bought season tickets this year for priority next year, with no intention of going to any games in the meantime. This leaves the scalpers with a surplus of tickets, usually for dirt cheap. Man, the place was quiet tonight.
Douchebag FOG! There is something really endearing and (no homo) cute about little kids showing up at the game with their gloves, trying to get a player's attention for that priceless souvenir baseball. It is waaaay less cute when it is three 20 something drunk men, wallowing "Deeeennnnnaaaaarrrrrdddddd!!!!" for seven innings. When he looked up, mercifully, in the eighth inning the men stood and cheered and peed themselves. Sigh.

STATS:

COMPANY: Zman (2)
Food/Bev: None
Attendance: 16,410 (22%)
Seat Cost: $3.08
Parking cost: 0
Total Spent: $3.08
Season Total: $176.82 ($25.26/gm)

Live jottings from the phone

.... Justin Morneau has four gold glove caliber plays through the first four innings. A nice catch by the third base camera well, a sliding catch in front of the Blue Jays dugout, A nice cutoff of a throw home (resulting in an assist at 2nd), and a heads up play holding a runner at third, getting the force at first, then throwing across the diamond to nail the listing Overbay at third

....It was obvious that Slowey was done after the fifth. It's possible he was done after four as he struggled mightily to get out of that fifth frame. For some reason Gardy thought otherwise and kept Slow Dog out there in the sixth. Rolen spanked the first pitch of the inning for a single, then Overbay followed with a line drive homer to center. This cut the score to 6-5...

...Is Ron Gardenhire sleeping in the dugout? There is no fire on that bench at all...

...Matt Guerrier is unbelievably bad at baseball...

...The kiss cam has to be stopped. The thought (and accompanying mental images) of senior citizens making out is no longer original OR funny.

US Cellular Field, or, the Unfriendly Confines

S534 R7 S16 4/12/09// S527 R9S1 4/11/09

Just going to put a few things out there about my fourth, and final, trip to the Cell.....



....The concessionaires could not be more clueless and rude. As gay as it sounds, I wanted me some hot chocolate. It was 23 degrees with no sun in our seats, and I couldn't feel my feet after the fourth inning. So I went to the generic booth, and waited for the woman behind the counter to sleepwalk her way through the seven people in front of me. 25 minutes later it was my turn. I excitedly ordered a large hot chocolate, a bargain at just under four dollars! The exchange went exactly like this:

Me: "One large Hot Chocolate, please."
Bitch: "We ain't got no hot chocolate."
Me: "You ain't got no hot chocolate? When do you think you will have some more?"
Bitch: (rolls eyes) "I don't know." (asks co-worker) "Be like 'bout three minutes."
Me: "Ok, I'll wait."

After about five minutes I get back in line, and eventually order a hot chocolate. To wit:

Me: "One large hot chocolate, please."
Same Bitch: "We ain't got no hot chocolate."
Me: "About ten minutes ago, you said three minutes.... How long do you think it will be this time?"
Same Bitch: "Huh?"
Me: "About ten minute....ah, screw it"

Off to the next stand I went, waited in line and was poised to order a hot chocolate, finally. However, as I got to the front of the line the manager approached the cashier and asked her to "take about five minutes to wipe down your station." Good timing. So I wait. And wait. And wait. Finally, after mindlessly wiping the same spot for a while she asks what I would like. I reply, one hot chocolate please." Can you guess what she said?

I was now at the last stand on our concourse, as our upper level tickets would grant us neither lifeboats in case of emergency or access to lower concourse food and bev. I stood dejectedly in line, no longer hopeful and contemplating suicide. I approached the counter and of course was told that there was no hot chocolate.

But then, something happened. He put his finger up as if to say "One second." And do you know what that brilliant man did? He opened the super sized hot chocolate bag used to make large batches of the brew, and poured just a little into a cup. Then, he took said cup and filled it with hot water from the coffee dispenser. Brilliant! I had hot chocolate! Thanks for doing that for me, two previous stands! Bastards....

....Also, The Cell is apparently a sweatshop. This little guy pictured below looked like he was no older than maybe 14. And they gave him the pain in the ass gig of lugging fountain sodas and peanuts. That stuff looked super heavy. I don't mean to rip the guy if he is older I just sympathize with him, man. Not to mention it was Easter...



....They could charge double for seats down the third base line in April and I would pay it. The sun is the ONLY factor in the enjoyment of a game at this stadium. You are either seated on the third base side in the sun, making the temp a decent 43 degrees with a slight breeze or you are on the first base line in the dank, dark shade. Here you will notice a 15 degree temperature change along with a constant cold wind. Our seats on Saturday were on the first base side. Despite wearing long underwear, two pair of socks, a thermal undershirt, wool sweater and hooded sweatshirt we all nearly froze to death.
Brilliantly, we doubled our layers on Sunday. When we sat down, we were in the most gorgeous sun ever. I was sweating by the fourth inning, and I felt bad for telling Erin to "layer up big time." Sigh. I hate the Cell...


....Stayed at a buddy's apartment in downtown Chicago. On Saturday night we went to eat at Giordano's which is apparently a pretty famous spot. Well, the pizza tasted fine and dandy and on the way home I had some Green Tea. I awoke at 6 am on a strange couch, feeling nautious. I crept to the bathroom as the inevitable filled my cheeks but it was in use! Wtf, it's six am!? I did what I had to do and went out to the fifth floor balcony where I leaned over and painted a Buick pizza sauce orange. My bad.


Dbag fan of the Game!!! (Sunday only)
I was actually gonna try to do a sort of live blog on Saturday but I literally couldn't feel my fingers enough to even take a pic of the D bag fan. Here is Sunday's:

Hahaha you would wear a KIDS SGA jersey!! I mean, really?? You are like 40 and that thing is tiny, mang!

STATS:

COMPANY: ARoid 2 (2), Kurt 2 (2), Erin (1)
Food/Bev: Hot choc (3.75), 2x Hot Dog (2/$3.25), peanuts ($4.00), 1 Pepsi (3.50) tot $14.50
Attendance: (33,935 84% (SAT)/25,571 63% (SUN) )
Seat Cost: $20 (sat), $23 (sun)
Parking cost: $10 (train pass) ($25.00 gas to Chi)
Total Spent: $92.50
Season Total: $173.74 ($28.95/gm)