TP: San Francisco Fairies

Required reading: The Crazy Crab



1. COUCH FACTOR- This is a unique case, as they do have two entertaining starters in Lincecum and Johnson, but they have absolutely NOTHING on offense. What ever happened to JT Snow? I used to have all the JT Snow rookie cards. If Lincecum brings his act to town, the Giants earn 7 POINTS. If there is no Timmy, but you get Randy J, or J Sanchez the Giants receive 4 POINTS. If you miss those three starters you are left with these players on offense:

	Catchers	B/T	Ht	Wt	DOB
	20 Steve Holm	R/R	6-0	210	10/21/79
	1 Bengie Molina	R/R	5-11	225	07/20/74
	Infielders	B/T	Ht	Wt	DOB
	13 Brian Bocock	R/R	5-11	185	03/09/85
	21 John Bowker	L/L	6-2	200	07/08/83
	7 Emmanuel Burriss	S/R	6-0	190	01/17/85
	19 Kevin Frandsen	R/R	6-0	185	05/24/82
	50 Conor Gillaspie	L/R	6-1	200	07/18/87
	5 Travis Ishikawa	L/L	6-3	225	09/24/83
	16 Edgar Renteria	R/R	6-1	200	08/07/75
	57 Ryan Rohlinger	R/R	6-1	195	10/07/83
	48 Pablo Sandoval	S/R	5-11	245	08/11/86
	8 Eugenio Velez	S/R	6-1	160	05/16/82
	Outfielders	B/T	Ht	Wt	DOB
	14 Fred Lewis	L/R	6-2	200	12/09/80
	33 Aaron Rowand	R/R	6-0	220	08/29/77
	12 Nate Schierholtz	L/R	6-2	215	02/15/84
	2 Randy Winn	S/R	6-2	195	06/09/74

(mlb.com)

Yikes. I would rather watch Oprah with Wife. 2 POINTS



2. LOVE/HATE- The most hateable player of all time used to call this team his. They also currently employ such losers as Barry Zito, Randy Johnson, Aaron Rowand and Edgar Renteria. All awful, but not necessarily hate-worthy. The flip side of this is the fact there really isn't anyone who could be considered "Lovable." 2 POINTS



3. OBNOXIOUS OPPOSING FAN FACTOR- The short story of Jake Frazier is definitely worth 3 POINTS on it's own. San Francisco fans are also douche bags for being such ardent Barry Bonds apologists. 5 POINTS



4. BP FACTOR- Oh, no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no. This will not do AT ALL. The leading home run hitter on this team is a flippin' Molina, and he only had 16 HRs?!?! Oh, man that's tough. Nap time. MINUS 2 POINTS



5. TAUNTABILITY- How am I supposed to taunt people when I am falling asleep? Easy. Barry Zito remains one of the easiest heckler targets in all of sport. His 7 year, 126 million dollar contract almost makes him too easy to pick on. The guy was 10-17 last year, and he made 18 million!! I remember yelling at Joe Mays a few years ago after (another) awful start that he should have to buy everyone in the stands a beer.

Put it this way: Zito makes about $515,000 per start. At home he was just 3-11. The Giants averaged 35,356 fans per game. At $7 a beer he would forfeit $247,492 in salary. So for pitching like he did June 18 last season, he would walk with approximately $267,000 for pitching for two innings. I may never make that much in a year.... 6 POINTS



6. WOULD WIFE GO? "Who does San Francisco have? They have the guy from that commercial....and do they still have Barry Bonds? Is he on the Yankees now? It seems like he's on the Yankees." 3 POINTS



7. ARE THEY GOOD? It's Saint Patty's day today, but all the Green Beer in the world could not dilute me into considering this team anything even resembling "good." The Giants would not be a .500 team in AAA. 1 POINT


Total: 17 Points. Bring out your dead! Aka Pirates up next....

TP: San Diego Padres

Mr. O blogs from his parents basement. You can read him here, in this sentence. For a refresher on what the categories mean, click hurr.



Where have you gone Ninja Tur.....er.... Tony Gwynn??




1. COUCH FACTOR- Quick name five players on San Diego. Adrian Gonzalez, Jake Peavy, then shit... nothing. How about Edgar Gonzalez, the most shameless sibling hiring this side of Jake Mauer? This is definitely not making me want to put down the bong and head to the dome. They got nothin. 1 POINT



2. LOVE/HATE FACTOR- There are some borderline hateable players, but no one that draws any true ire from Mr. O. Last year, they had a bunch of players I hate: Mark Prior, Khalil Greene, Brian Giles. This year, only wifebe BP ater Giles is a true douche. Also, Henry Freaking Blanco is close. So close. Overall, I look at this team with a certain amount of disdain. 3 POINTS



3. OBNOXIOUS OPPOSING FAN FACTOR- I only know one Padres fan, Mike B. And while B can be obnoxious at times he certainly is not more than 1 point's worth. Also, I have never met another SD fan in my life and I doubt I ever will. 1 POINT


4. BP FACTOR: A. Gonzalez poked 36 HRs last year, and he is a left handed hitter. If San Diego were to visit the Dome (which they will not), this would be worth 2 POINTS. However, the Padres have only one other player with 20 homers (Kan Kouzmanoff)! What the hell!? Is this the mid-90's Twins? 0 POINTS


E. TAUNTABILITY> They have MEN on their team named: Adrian(Gonzalez), Jody(Gerut), Chase(Headley), Cla (Merideth; I refuse to call him CLAY by the way. He is CLAW. That is all), Everth (Cabrera), and Cha (Seung Baek). Seriously, I wouldn't even have to try my hardest to make fun of these guys for three hours. I predict three non-roster invitees make the team out of Spring Training: Emil (Brown), Oneli (Perez) , and Colt (Morton). 4 POINTS



VI. WOULD WIFE GO? Yes. Wait, wait. She thought I was asking if she would go to San Diego. That's not really the same thing. When asked what she knows about the Padres, she responded "Um, they are in San Diego, and you don't like them for some reason. Otherwise, nothing. The Padres? (Confused look).... Sorry." 2 POINTS



7. ARE THEY GOOD? Do you love average pitching with awful hitting? Do you love home games in a stadium so huge that premier home run hitting free agents avoid us like the plague? How about cheap, clueless ownership with no sense of loyalty (See: Hoffman, T)? Then come cheer on the PAD's! We have a Chicken for a mascot!! Sweet! 2 POINTS (0 POINTS IF PEAVY TRADED)



13 Points. Not good, but almost double Baltimore's total. Which isn't saying much I suppose.

UP NEXT>>>> SAN FRAN-ZITO GIANTS

6-4-3 Toriiiii: What a competitor!

From http://sports.espn.go.com/espnmag/story?id=3973694

Outtakes With Kenny Mayne W/ Toriiiiii(i) Hunter

KM: After you make a mistake, do you ever think, Please hit the next one to leftfield?

TH: There's one day I'll never forget. Back when Mike Mussina was on the Orioles, he was a doctor. He cut everyone up. I was on the Twins, and Mussina had 15 K's that day, including one against me. There were two outs in the ninth, and David Ortiz was up. I was in the hole, rooting for Ortiz to strike out, thinking, Throw the curveball. He can't hit it! Ortiz struck out, and I jumped up and down, and David looked at me like, What the hell are you doing, T?

TP: Part 1A- Baltimore

Aaron Bjorkstrand is a professional writer, and you are not. You can read him professionally covering Husky Hockey for USCHO.com, as well as dishing baseball over at A-Roid. Here's his take on the Orioles.....

(So, you wanna go shoot up a couple after work?)

Thank goodness for Michael Phelps, Ray Lewis and Alexander Ovechkin. Because beside these three and their sports they rule in, all Baltimore is left with, is the Orioles.

Remember Cal Ripken? How sweet was Cal? I mean really, look at Cal and the way he played the game. Gritty, poised, and just a simple swagger, that to me, remains unseen today.

Now look at a guy like Manny Ramirez. Don't get me wrong, I love Manny, but with players like Mr. Ramirez, we seem to slowly be losing the actual "game of baseball."

Fast forward from the retirement of Ripken and take a look into the 2009 Orioles. A team full of no-names and guys who many consider won't be able to hack it in a very tough AL East. I am one of those guys.

It is my pleasure to rank the Baltimore Orioles the worst team heading into the 2009 season.

The Orioles could be good, don't get me wrong. But with some of the players on their 40 man, it could be a long season in Baltimore.

The strongest parts of the Orioles in 2009 will be their closer (if they get to him) George Sherrill (acquired from Seattle in the Eric Bedard trade) and the young outfield: Felix Pie, Adam Jones (also acquired from Seattle in the Bedard trade) and slugger Nick Markakis.

A true gem also lies on the Orioles, but unfortunately for O's fans (per GM Andy McPhail), prospect catcher Matt Wieters will most likely being the 09' campaign in AAA-Norfolk. According to the baseball guru gods with the Bill James Handbook, Wieters is projected for 2009 at: 133g, 25 2B, 25 HR, 85 rbi, and a 76/63 BB/K ratio; all this while hitting .311, with a .407 OBP. Wieters tore it up in the minors at the A and AA levels in 2008, playing in 130 games while hitting 22 2B, 27 HR and 91 rbi with a .355 average.

But, only time will tell if Wieters can live up to the hype of being a highly touted prospect at catcher (much like Mauer in Minnesota).

Along with veteran second baseman Brian Roberts, infielders Melvin Mora and Aubrey Huff are joined by new shortstop Cesar Izturis. Izturis, a career .260 hitter, sits past his prime and will be lucky to hit for 15 doubles with 25 rbi. The bulk of the offense will have to come from the rightside, with Huff and Roberts. Huff, a career .287 hitter, batted .304 for Baltimore, with 48 doubles and 32 HRs. Roberts, who has spent his entire nine year career with the O's (and will probably retire in B-more after signing a 4year/$40M extension over the off season) still has the ability to hit over .300 in a lineup meant to hit doubles.

Alongside Izturis on the left side will be Mora and Ty Wigginton slugging it out for the hot corner. Mora, who hit .285 with 23 HRs and 77 RBI, should have the starter role as he currently sits as the 2nd highest paid Oriole, set to make $9M in 09'.
And now to one of my favorite outfields in baseball: Pie, Pac-M...I mean Adam Jones and Markakis. Pie and Jones make for quite the speedy duo covering left and center, while Markakis provides the lumber, projected at: .309 with 46 2B, 22 HRs and 99 rbi. If and this is a big if, IF the youngsters (Pie and Jones) can set the table for Roberts, Markakis and Huff, the O's could be in for a decent little season. I just don't see them coming around for at least another year and probably the biggest problem: you also need to pitch in baseball.

Watch out for the ever dangerous rotation of: Jeremy Guthrie, Rich Hill, Mark Hendrickson, Adam Eaton and the lone pitcher in the Baltimore roto you should care about, Koji Uehara. Uehara had amazing years for the Yomiuri Giants of 20-4, 17-5, 16-5, and 4-3 in 1999 (12 complete games & a 2.09 ERA), 2002, 2003 (11 cg & a 2.60 ERA) and 2007 (32 saves & 1.74 ERA). But besides Uehara, there’s not a lot of excitement around the Baltimore starting five.

So maybe the Orioles will be able to take advantage of Sherrill after all. Well, maybe at least 20 or 30 times.

Sorry O's fans, it could be a long season. I'm sorry you have to play Boston, New York and Tampa Bay a combined 54 times this year (including a stretch from August 31st-September 20th, with 15 of the 18 games against the three).

Dear Matt Wieters, please come soon...
-Orioles fans.

TP 1B- Baltimore

Mr. O blogs from his parents basement. You can read him here, in this sentence. For a refresher on what the categories mean, click hurr.

Baltimore Orioles




RATINGS 1-10 (1 (AWFUL), 5 (DEC), 10 (UNREAL)

1. COUCH FACTOR: The Baltimore Orioles do not make me want to put my 360 controller down, put the remote down, get my lazy ass off the couch and drive to the Metrodome AT ALL. Ugh. Their best player is Nick Markakis. Who cares about Nick Markakis. I might have to draft a couple of these guys in fantasy just so I can JUSTIFY going, let alone making myself want to go... 1 POINT


2. LOVE/HATE FACTOR: This one really isn't too high either way on the scale. It's hard to love or hate anyone you havent even heard of. However, if you think of some of the players this team has employed in the last decade or so the Poor-ioles become much more hate-able. Albert Belle, Sammy Sosa, Miguel Tejada, Raffy Palmeiro, Javy Lopez. It's like steroids were a pre-requisite for getting employed. 1 POINT


3. OBNOXIOUS OPPOSING FAN FACTOR: I went to a game when I was with my dad when I was much younger. We bought tickets outside the stadium from a scalper in an Orioles hat. We went to the game, bought a program, left our coats in our seats and went up to the concourse for some sodas. When we came back, the guy who sold us our tickets was in the seat next to ours, just reading my program! What a D-Bag! 2 POINTS


4. BP FACTOR: Aubrey (What the Hell kind of name is Aubrey? Audrey with a speech impediment? Awful, awful name. Seriously.) Huff hit 32 home runs last year, and 4 others had at least 20. Meh. I can't see any of these clowns putting on much of a display. 1 POINT


5. TAUNTABILITY: Again, there is a reason this is the lowest ranked team in MLB. There is nary a man to taunt.... Hey, Markakis, um.... you're Greek!.....Hey, Roberts! Remember when you almost got traded! Ha-ha! In your face! 1 POINT



6. WOULD WIFE GO? Sadly, Wife is on vacation. In her stead I asked a random passer-by if he wanted to go to the Twins-Orioles tilt this summer at the Metrodome. He just asked for some change. I will take that as a no. 1 POINT.


7. ARE THEY GOOD? Oh, God, no. They have LESS THAN NOTHING for pitching and their best player, Matt Weiters is going to start the season in AAA. Not to mention the fact they are tucked into a division featuring Tampa, Toronto, New York and Boston. Good luck with that. 1 POINT


TOTALS: 8 POINTS OUT OF A POSSIBLE 70. Ouch. Closer to the worst possible score than the best...