Oh, I'm So Scared

Scared he might eat me, that is....


THIS is your starter on Saturday, Sox fans. It's hard to type when you are shaking so much. See ya Saturday Ozzie.

Day game, Nap Time

234 R12 seat4 4/9



Even Glen Perkins' fabled Golden Arm could not save the Twins today.

Thursday afternoon game, which meant the audience consisted mainly of handicapped folks, children and the unemployed. Needless to say, the crowd was not a factor today. I think I dozed off at least twice, but while I was awake I noticed the TWINS SWUNG AT THE FIRST OR SECOND PITCH damn near all day! I understand being overconfident against Jarrod Washedup (Half man-Half Chipmunk), but when he is laboring through the seventh and eighth innings it seems to me ya gotta take a few and wait for the inevitable mistake. Sigh. What do I know... On the plus side, great start by Perkins, with plenty of credit due to the defense.





Also, D bag fan of the Game!


Who the heck takes their toddler outside to have a cigarette with them? A D Bag fan of the game that's who!

STATS:

COMPANY: Kipper (1)
Food/Bev: None
Attendance: 20,015 (44%)
Seat Cost: $3.08
Parking cost: $1.50
Total Spent: $4.58
Season Total: $81.24 ($20.31/gm)

Dollar Dog Night....My biggest weakness!

S234 R14 S22 4/8

Silva! Silva! Silva! The Twins went all South Korea on that ass!


Notes on a Wednesday:

It was the first student night of the year. The women attended accordingly. However, I have decided I am not able to look at women anymore. You see I am in my late 20's and I can no longer tell the difference between a 16 year old and a 23 year old. Can't do it.

There was a pretty good fight in the upper deck under the curtains. Amazingly, 2,000 fans noticed that the fight was about to happen before one security guard could. After a few punches and the obligatory slide-down-a-few-rows-while-grappling, about 12 rent-a cops whisked the offenders away.

The Twins should consider heating the dollar dogs up for the customers. I understand they are a good deal and beggars can't be choosers. But please at least microwave them.

Let us not forget the douchebag fan of the night, the mid-30's commenting on obviously underage girls guy....


STATS:

COMPANY: Naj (1), Zman (1)
Food/Bev: Two Hot Dogs (1.00/ea.)
Attendance: 22,270
Seat Cost: 3.08
Parking cost: $0
Total Spent: $5.08
Season Total: $76.66 ($25.55/game)

NL West (Because I can't just skip one division)

No idea wtf this is all about, but I do see a Vick jersey. Yikes.



1. Los Angeles Dodgers- I mean, the other teams in this division are pretty bad, and the Dodgers are just kind of bad. I mean, they have some good players but they overpay for them. Their pitching, especially starting pitching, is suspect. Their highest paid player is notorious for pouting and sitting out games over mysterious "injuries." But, who is going to beat them? San Fran? No. San Diego? Sigh. The only team dec enough to make even a mini-run at LA is Arizona and I can't see that happening.

2. Arizona DBacks- Their most marketable player is Eric Byrnes. Why the hell does everyone love Eric Byrnes so much. I mean, really? FSN Arizona actually gave this guy his own show! To wit:

So, he dresses up like Hulk Hogan?! Cool! And did you hear him growling at those kids? Brilliant!! There isn't a big enough SIGH in the world. This is a guy who has had exactly ONE good season in the majors and makes 11.6 million dollars this year... As Seinfeld would say, "Good luck with allllll of that."

3. Colorado Rockies- The Rockies will suck. Luckily for them, the Giants and Padres exist. Call me crazy, but I haven't been a fan of this team since Todd Helton fell off the face of the earth. (What's that? He still plays?! And makes 16.6 million! No way.) Anyhoo, this is one of the more unremarkable teams in MLB. Brad Hawpe? Clint Barmes? No thanks.

4. San Francisco Giants- Even though I realize that for whatever reason I have mentioned money in each and every one of these NL West capsules, I am bringing it up again. The Giants boast what many consider to be the two worst contracts in all of baseball. Edgar Renteria (Two Years, 18.5 million) and of course the infamous Zito contract (7 Years, 126 million). Maybe they should trade for Carlos Silva to complete the trio.

500. San Diego Padres- No one wants to talk about the Padres, who will lose 110 games this year. Let's talk about San Diego instead.

Ron Burgundy: 1001, 1002, 1003.
Veronica Corningstone: Uh, Mr. Burgundy? Helen said that you needed to see me.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, Miss Corningstone. I wasn't expecting company. Just doing my workout. Tuesday's arms and back.
Veronica Corningstone: Well, you asked me to come by, sir.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, did I?
Veronica Corningstone: Yes.
Ron Burgundy: Ohh, it's the deep burn. Oh, it's so deep. Oh, I can barely lift my right arm 'cause I did so many. I don't know if you heard me counting. I did over a thousand.

Ron Burgundy: Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina.
Veronica Corningstone: No, there's no way that's correct.
Ron Burgundy: I'm sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don't know what it means. I'll be honest, I don't think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.
Veronica Corningstone: Doesn't it mean Saint Diego?
Ron Burgundy: No. No.
Veronica Corningstone: No, that's - that's what it means. Really.
Ron Burgundy: Agree to disagree.

Game of the Year?

4/07/09 234 R11 S2


Renee Jones Schneider, Star Tribune 04/07/09



I damn near commited a cardinal sin of Twins fandom. After Delmon flew out for the second out in the ninth, I held back tears and gathered my things. I was indeed headed if not for the exits, at least to a door closer to where I parked. I was admitting defeat.

Then, Gomez walked. I saw it on the screen in front of a closing Field Fare stand. I wandered into an aisle to watch. Section 221. Gomez steals second on defensive indifference. Kubel pinch hit, and here is the question:

With Punto on deck and Gomez on second, do you walk Kubel even though he is the tying run?

The M's seemed to think the answer is yes, and Brandon "Meltdown" Morrow unintentionally-intentionally walked him. That put runners on first and second, two outs. Buscher was announced as the pinch hitter for Punto (Where is Chip Hale?) and after 7 fastballs Morrow had walked the bases loaded.

Side note: The older (sorry, if you for God knows what reason read this) usher woman, whom I had nestled up to after aborting my hasty retreat, asked me "Is he doing this (walking them) intentionally?" I had no good answer for her.


Waka waka waka then opted to bring in Miguel Bautista, ensuring doom for all those in Teal and um, more teal. Denard Span hit an infield single that absolutely blew Adrian Beltre's mind, allowing Gogogogo to score. Then, the lost Wayans brother (Alexi), well you know....

Tomorrow night will be Silva, as well as the first Student Night. It ought to be interesting to say the least. Oh, before I forget.... D bag fan of the night.

Hey, I'm the way too drunk third wheel!! Whee!!




STATS:

COMPANY: None
Food/Bev: None
Attendance: 23,755 (52%)
Seat Cost: $3.08
Parking cost: $1.50
Total Spent: $4.58
Season Total: $71.58 (35.29/game)

Erik Bedard, Gangster

836Ok. So it took me an hour and a half but I finally got the mobile blogging station up and running. Its live, bottom 5th, and the Twins are showing life for the first time all night. (All series, really). Gomez led off with a triple, followed by a morales K, then a Punto plunking. Span singled and stole second while Casilla struck out. Next up, my soon to be least favorite Twin, Duddy with runners on 2nd and 3rd.
Duddy has already struck out once with a RISP, then hit a meaningless single in his second AB. He quickly falls behind 0-2 before evening the count at 2-2. He takes two pitches so close that the HOME crowd oohhhhs.
Like clockwork, a single scoring two. 4-3 Ms.
Thats the thing with shit-talking particular Twins, it is win-win. Either the guy gets out, providing me with a smirk and "I told you so." If he gets a hit (which almost always happens if I am busy knocking them) then it benefits my favorite team.

The Opener

Notes from the Opener:

- Michael Cuddyer has got to go. He didn't play much last season, so I had forgotten his inability to recognize a strike until the ball is deeeeep into the strike zone resulting in some pretty awkward swings. Although, he did have the only RBI of the game.

- Kubel needs to start in Left, Gomez in Center, Span in Right. All three of these players are young (Span the oldest at 25), which means they still have a little something called 'upside.' Is Delmon Young's ceiling higher than Cuddy's (flash in the pan) 'o6 season? I would say the answer is "yes." I realize Cuddyer is the only one of the four making big money, but it isn't untradable.

- The Twins dropped the ball (at least a little bit) by introducing the Twins players, then performing the National Anthem and then playing a video/speech in rememberance of late owner Carl Pohlad. A tribute is fitting indeed to the man, but the timing was bad. The crowd was pretty pumped up after the lineups were announced, and the tribute seemed to drag and drag....

- Oh, man. Morneau should have taken a couple pitches before grounding into that killer inning-ending DP. King Felix was having trouble finding the plate, having given up a pair of singles and a walk to Span before getting Casilla to pop up for the first out. Cuddyer followed with a clutch RBI single on a 1-0 pitch and it appeared this could be the breakout inning for the offense. Morneau, perhaps feeling the pressure of carrying the offense or maybe just anxious on opening day, grounded to 2nd baseman Lopez for the easy DP.

- Opening Day seems to bring out the most douchey fans. In my section alone:

The big middle aged woman flipping off the field anytime ANYTHING went against the Twins. Classy.

The group of emo 30-somethings in the row in front of ours. They all had goofy moustaches (funny if it's one guy, stupid if there are 6 of you). Also, what is with the dirty bandana that you dirty emo kids always have to wear, usually around your neck? It looks stupid. These guys were dorks on their own, but the one guy flipping through the photos on his digi cam took the cake. Pictures of a three year old smoking a joint with a roach clip are not funny. They are sick, and wrong. My coke spilled on your coat on purpose.
Douchebag fan of the night!!!


The big girl who swore super loudly, with her purple hair. I referred to her all night as "Fat Von D," as she looked like a (very) plus sized version of the LA Ink star.

The twenty year old kid who nearly cried after getting a little beer spilled on his Torii Hunter jersey. After the girlfriend of the jersey owner confronted the spiller, an onlooker replied "Who the (heck) cares?! It's a (freaking) Hunter jersey!" Comedy.


STATS:

COMPANY: Marty, the Gramps, Kev Kev, Wife
Food/Bev: None!
Attendance: 48,514 (106%)
Seat Cost: 31 (x2 wife) 62.00
Parking cost: $5
Total Spent: $67.00
Season Total: $67.00

NL Central Preview (Yawn)

1. Chicago Cubs- They are the only team in the Central that seems like they are even half-ass trying. The rotation has Lily, Harden and Big Z, the lineup features Soriano, Ramirez, Lee etc and they play the Pirates and Reds like 40 times. Looks like another first round exit in Wrigleyville. Prediction: 110 Wins, 0 playoff wins.

2. St. Louis Cardinals- I would use the term "First loser" when describing this team, the second best of the worst division. They have Poo-Holes, but it literally ends there. (Rick Ankiel was a cute story, but we have Josh Hamilton now!) Skip Schumaker and Kyle Lohse do not a contender make. Prediction: Lohse traded to Yankees mid-season, is never heard from again.

3. Houston Astros- Now here is a team that is pretty dec on paper, but awful in reality. A rotation featuring stud Roy Oswalt and up and coming star Wandy Rodriguez, coupled with Lance Berkman, Hunter Pence and, um, Jeff Bagwell(?) should keep this team around .500. Ivan Rodriguez,Darin Erstad, Russ Ortiz and Mike Hampton may take this team below it. Prediction: Roger Clemens becomes pitching coach, Mike Hampton wins 17.

4. Pittsburgh Pirates- Just about every other year, someone predicts the Pirates will have a "Breakout year." Not this guy. The Pirates continue to have some big-time prospects, but as usual they will turn out to be just "Ok." Remember how good Freddy Sanchez was going to be? Zach Duke? Their roster includes ballers such as Eric Hinske and Craig Monroe. Yikes. Prediction: Jeff Karstens wins NL ROY.

5. Milwaukee Brewers- Am I the only one who just doesn't see it with this team? Some (cough) experts are predicting that the Brew Crew will win the Central. I will give you this if Butthole Selig would have kept this team in the AL they would indeed win the Central. Built on Power, and very little else, this team reminds me of the White Sox of a few years ago. Only that team had Freddy Garcia, Mark Buehrle, and Jose Contreras. The Brewers have Gallardo, Suppan and Braden Looper. Yikes. This may be the only team in MLB whose hitters accumulate more K's than their pitchers. Ouch. Prediction: Ryan Braun hits 50 HR this season.

6. Cincinnati Reds- The Reds, like the Astros, have a lot of talent on their roster as usual. However, the Reds carry that unenviable stigmata of a sorry sack team. Jay Bruce and Joey Votto are obviously stars, but what after that? Prediction: Edinson Volquez loses 13 games this year.

NL East Predictions

That is a family, which means that Mr. Met had unprotected sex with a female Mr. Met.



2009 MLB Season Predictions

National League

East

1. New York Mets- I picked the Mets to win the East because after two near-misses in '07 and '08 they actually IMPROVED their main weakness, the bullpen. Adding JJ Putz and K-Rod raises this team's stock significantly. In a couple years, Fernando Martinez will dominate. For now, Reyes and Wright will do just fine, thanks.

2. Philadelphia Phillies- Yes, I realize they are the defending champions. (Wait till you see where the Rays end up) Somehow, I just don't think Joe Blanton and Jamie Moyer are enough to guide them to a third straight division title. Also, Ryan Howard will strike out 300 times. Watch.

3. Florida Marlins- The best rotation in the division. Arguably the best player in the National League, if not all of baseball. They have All Star Game human blooper reel Dan Uggla. But quick,name their catcher.... I'll wait...... Got it? (John Baker, duh). Now name two starters not named Nolasco.... Can't do it, can you?

4. Atlanta Braves- Once a proud franchise, their star player is now aging rapidly and the once-feared pitching rotation of Glavine, Maddux, Smoltz and Avery is a generation removed. The Braves starters now include the following: Derek Lowe (Ugh, never been a fan), Javy Vazquez (hahaha), Jair Jurrens (Jair? I hardly know her!), and of course something called Kenshin Kawakami.

19. Washington Nationals- The Nationals are like the Alternative Learning Center of MLB. Elijah Dukes, wifebeater and Child dater calls Washington home. That's nice. Alleged transvestite Ronnie Belliard mans second, while he tries not to get eaten by the guy that looks like he ate Cristian Guzman.