Separated At Birth!!!! White Sox Edition!!!!!

This week: The Pale Hoes from the South Side.




First Up, everyone's favorite closer, Bobby Jenks. Cool Beard!



Boy With Balls On Chin Agrees!



There's Sox hurler Jose Contreras. Say, he looks an awful lot like......

Fictional prisoner Simon Adebisi. Odd.



Hypothetical steroid user AJ Pierzynski



and his long lost brother Yertle The Turtle



White Sox skipper, gentleman and scholar Ozzie Guillen


shares a few features Pepe Le Peau




Lookie here, it's Cuban rookie sensation Alexei Ramirez


And the one and only Starvin' Marvin




Mark Buehrle only pitches night games


To keep his skin pale like long lost kin Clip Art Dracula




Well, if it isn't Twins killer Jim Thome


And Baby Huey! How adorable!

Dave's Celebrity Athlete Bong Price Guide

I would never, ever spend $100,000 on a bong. The truth is I would never spend $1,000 on a bong either, but that only proves how ridiculous $100k is. As you have heard, Phelps' bong was on ebay this week for just that price. A little rich for my blood (peasant) but it got me wondering: Just how much would I pay for an athlete's bong?



1. Ricky Williams- 10 bucks. This thing has to be pretty well used. Have you ever smelled a resi-black, stinky, weeks-old-water bong? Ugh. It's like the first scene in Grandma's Boy, where the dude breaks the bong right before the landlord walks in. There is no covering that smell.

2. Brett Favre- 30 bucks. Heavily used, mostly with dirt weed (mixed with crushed codeine), and looks like it was made in the 60's. Favre used to be an avid packer (Ithankyou) but has been able to decide at all lately whether or not to smoke, making this a motivated seller. Unless he decides to keep it. Naw, he'll sell it. But he could maybe possibly keep it...

3. Barry Bonds- 140 bucks. I have never seen a bong like this in my life. According to the ebay listing "Barry Bonds has never put any smoke in his lungs in his life.... Rrrrroooooaaaaaarrrrr!!!! I need those to breathe. That's why I had Mr. Conte create my SyringeBong. That's right, kids! Just inject the THC directly into your ass cheek or testicle. For ages 6 and up!"

Artist's Conception


4. Alex Rodriguez- 500 bucks. I would pay 500 dollars for A Rods bong, then I would put on rubber gloves, strap that baby into the car and bring it to the sperm bank to cash in on all the semen (edit) (edit) (edit) it. Not to mention the fact he is apparently an Oompa Loompa.

5. Dick Vitale- 500 bucks. This is probably the most unlikely bong owner that I could think of. This dude has been high strung for like 60 years, a bong rip could ruin his everything. He would be calm, and introspective. He could see the forest for the trees and rationally explain the action on the court. In other words, Dick Vitale high would be like Madden high... Totally awesome.


6. Visanthe Schiancoe- 250 bucks. Take it away, ebay. "This bong is, like, three feet long and is totally just hanging out there, ready for the taking. I have this habit of whipping out at the worst times and not realizing it. Please, come take this off my hands. (You will need a friend to help carry.)"

7. Tony Romo- 75 bucks. From his Dallas Craigslist ad: "Hey y'all I rully rully needa sell ma bong Rusty. I had this guy fo a few yurs but dag nubbit he dont git along with ma ol' lady. She hangs out with him an' they interact an' go to the rodeo an' drank Cokes an' next thang ya know she got the munchies and, well, shoot we all see how that done turn out. Men if you ever, ever, (EVER!) want the old Jessica back, someone gonna hafta take thisear bong. Yee Haw!"


8. Troy Williamson- 950 bucks. If anyone can find me a bong that Williamson has so much as touched without dropping it and breaking it, I will literally pay you $1,000 cash. Today.

Sigh.

Gratuitous Go-Go Quote of the Week

"Sure!" he said the other day. "They don't have no speed like me. I know I can help this team. Especially when I hit ahead of Morneau and the catcher and the other guy."

The One That Got Away

Today's episode: Joe Nelson.

Joe Nelson, for whatever reason, has always been one of my favorite heckling targets. The bulk of these encounters occurred in 2006, when Nelson was the Kansas City Royals closer. I had no real basis to pick on him, but pick on him I did. I only write this in the interest of full disclosure.

That being said, the Twins dropped the ball big time by not signing Joe Nelson. Given the chance in the Majors, dude has put up some pretty decent numbers.

Career Stats

Year	Team	League	ERA	W	L	GP	GS	CG	ShO	SV	IP	H	R	ER	HR	BB	K
2008	Florida	NL	2.00	3	1	59	0	0	0	1	54.0	42	16	12	5	22	60
2008	Albuquerque	AAA	2.10	1	1	19	0	0	0	11	25.2	17	6	6	1	6	36
2006	Omaha	AAA	1.97	2	2	24	0	0	0	7	32.0	19	9	7	4	12	39
2006	Kansas City	AL	4.43	1	1	43	0	0	0	9	44.2	37	22	22	5	24	44
2005	Springfield	AA	2.03	0	0	9	0	0	0	1	13.1	4	3	3	1	7	22
2005	Durham	AAA	4.11	0	3	35	0	0	0	6	46.0	41	25	21	9	21	62
2004	Portland	AA	1.78	3	2	25	0	0	0	13	30.1	16	8	6	1	15	49
2004	Pawtucket	AAA	4.64	0	0	16	0	0	0	0	21.1	27	14	11	1	9	31
2004	Boston	AL	16.87	0	0	3	0	0	0	0	2.2	4	5	5	0	3	5
2003	Did not play	--	0.00	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0.0	0	0	0	0	0	0
2002	Trenton	AA	14.54	0	0	4	0	0	0	0	4.1	9	8	7	1	2	3
2001	Richmond	AAA	1.13	1	2	29	0	0	0	8	39.2	23	5	5	1	14	40
2001	Atlanta	NL	36.00	0	0	2	0	0	0	0	2.0	7	9	8	1	2	0
2000	Jamestown	A	2.25	0	0	3	0	0	0	0	4.0	3	3	1	0	1	7
2000	GCL Braves	R	2.25	1	0	4	0	0	0	1	4.0	3	1	1	0	3	7
1999	Richmond	AAA	4.54	2	3	12	3	0	0	1	33.2	33	18	17	2	15	31
1999	Greenville	AA	2.37	1	1	25	0	0	0	8	30.1	19	15	8	2	14	37
1998	Greenville	AA	4.98	6	9	45	12	1	1	2	108.1	124	76	60	9	69	74
1997	Durham	A	4.76	10	6	25	24	0	0	0	124.2	114	74	66	17	61	99
	Total	MLB	4.09	4	2	107	0	0	0	10	103.1	90	52	47	11	51	109
	Total	NL	3.21	3	1	61	0	0	0	1	56.0	49	25	20	6	24	60
	Total	AL	5.13	1	1	46	0	0	0	9	47.1	41	27	27	5	27	49
	Total	AAA	3.04	6	11	135	3	0	0	33	198.1	160	77	67	18	77	239

His 2008 stats are particularly impressive, as he nearly had as many strikeouts (60) as walks and hits allowed-COMBINED (62). Pretty remarkable stuff. He pitches equally well against lefties (.227 BAA) as righties (just .189!). His ERA for the season was an even 2.00. He came in in the seventh and ninth innings regularly, but shone when called in to duty in the eighth.

The worst part, the part that really stings, the part that really makes you question the intelligence of the Twins' brass (at least a little)? Joe Nelson got 1.3 million to play for the Rays. Luis Ayala (2-10; 5.71 ERA 86 H in 75 IP) received 1.4 million PLUS INCENTIVES to play for the Twins?

Obviously there were other factors likely in play such as Nelson remaining in Florida (signed with TB via Marlins), and the fact the Rays are the defending AL champs. But you can't tell me that Joe Nelson would not have signed with Minnesota for 2 or 3 million, or double the Rays offer.

And you can't tell me he wouldn't be worth it, the same way I contend Crede IS worth 7 million.

Take ONE risk, dammit.

'91 Twins are, um......

1. How many can you name?

2. What song were they actually dancing to?

3. What kind of beer did they shotgun before arriving?

4. What kind of beer did they shotgun after arriving?

5. Jack Morris: Handsome stud or mustachioed dud?

6. Chili Davis: Best name ever?

7. What of Pedro Munoz? We need more Munoz!