Jason Kubel once shot a WWII German plane down with a grand slam that went through the Metrodome roof, over the Atlantic and back through time.

Sec 236 R22S24 4/18/09














1. Jason Kubel strikeouts cure cancer. Too bad he has never struck out.

2. When Jason Kubel plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather walk off grand slams. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Jason Kubel instead decided to slug his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

4. Jason Kubel recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

5. Jason Kubel built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Jason met all three bullets with his bat, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

6. Jason Kubel's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF JASON KUBEL!!!!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't hasten with Jason!!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

7. Jason Kubel sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled home run hitting ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Jason roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play Guitar Hero every second Wednesday of the month.

8. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Jason Kubel smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

9. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Jason Kubel--more than meets the eye, Jason Kubel--robot in disguise," and starred Jason Kubel as a Minnesota Cop who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a Zamboni. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

10. Jason Kubel was the fourth Wise man. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Jason omitted from the Bible. Shortly after, all three died of line drive related deaths.

11. Jason Kubel lives by only one rule: No White Sox.

12. When Jason Kubel's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Jason said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a line drive to the face and said, "Never question Jason Kubel."

13. Jason Kubel once shot a WWII German plane down with a grand slam that went through the Metrodome roof, over the Atlantic and back through time.

14. A man once asked Jason Kubel if his real name is "Jasonia". Jason Kubel did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

15. Jason Kubel does not sleep. He waits.

16. Jason Kubel can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

17. Jason Kubel once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and pissed on the couch, just because he's Jason Kubel.

18. Before each Twins game, Jason Kubel is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the pitchers he faces.

19. Jason Kubel took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

20.Jason Kubel found out Conan O'Brien shows clips from his classic beatings of the Red Sox and Angels and is working on a way to make it show clips of Kubel having sex with Torii Hunter's wife.

21. The chief export of Jason Kubel is pain.

22. Jason Kubel doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I.
His have a small silver oval around them. This signifies that they are silver sluggers in every form of hitting and slug the shit out of viruses. That's why Jason Kubel never gets ill.

23. Jason Kubel frequently signs up for little leagues, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

24. Jason Kubel once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

25. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea- bagged to death by Jason Kubel.

26. On location for (unnecessary) Spring Training, Jason Kubel brought a stillborn Jose Contreras back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the aging Cuban sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Jason Kubel roundhouse kicked Contreras, breaking his neck, to remind the crew once more that Jason giveth, and the good Jason, he taketh away.

27. Jason Kubel is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right biceps.

28. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Jason Kubel.
His reasoning? It was more "humane".

29. If you can see Jason Kubel, he can see you. If you can't see Jason Kubel you may be only seconds away from death.

30. Jason Kubel ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children. When they start crying Jason Kubel calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and walk off grand slams them in the face.





COMPANY: None (2)
Food/Bev: None
Attendance: 34,286 (76%)
Seat Cost: $3.08
Parking cost: $1.50
Total Spent: $4.58
Season Total: $221.84($18.48/gm)