Spring Training Game "Live Blog"

I'm going to watch spring training baseball. You will read about it....


4:08 Papa John's is called in. I ask them about sponsoring my blog and the guy seemed uninterested. Boy, will they regret it when this gets three page views.

4:10 Yipee! MLB Network is showing the YES Network feed for tonight's game. Having Thursday night's NESN telecast was pure delight, why, how could YES be any worse? (Starts plugging in ipod).

4:15 I do not like Joba Chamberlain. They treat this D bag like he is Steve Nebraska. With every pitch I pray for a fail.

4:15 A-Rod quadruple pumps to throw out Span. Insert quadruple pump sex joke here. Punto single! There's one of his 95 for the year.

4:16 Even the ball went cleanly into center, Punto dives into first. He's been doing it since little league, which makes it okay.

4:19 Delmon CRUSHES an RBI double off the wall, easily scoring Punto. This is followed by the announcer proclaiming "I kind of like this team in the AL Central" after three batters. In February.

4:20 Kubel SMASHES a ground rule double completely burning the right fielder. Joba this ass.

4:21 Busch moves Kubel to third with a grounder to short. What does Buscher need to do to get the nod over Crede? I say .430 5 HR 20 RBI. I don't think he will quite reach that. Glenn Williams, anyone?

4:31 Pizza Arrives. Updates likely more sporadic for a minute or twenty

4:32 Teixiera hits a double moving Jeter to third. That double cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $20,000. I hope it was worth it.

4:33 All Time Hated Player Nick Squisher is a Yankee. After being a White Sox, he literally went to the only team that is more hateable. Good news, your head still looks like a penis Congrats.

4:34 Squish hits a routine grounder to Luke Hughes, who throws an awful worm burner to Busch at first. Sigh. This won't work at all. If only there was somewhere to send these guys until they got a little better at baseball....


4:35 Larry-ahno does not look well at all. He is that weird F Bomb that flys open when he pitches, shows poor body language and simply walks too many people. This is the dark side of Liriano, the one no one ever mentions.

4:37 Grounder to Hughes...throw to first.... OUT! IN MY FACE! These guys are awesome.

4:40 Something to get used to: the YES network retards refer to Target Field as Target Center. Sigh. They proceed to complain about the weather in MN, including a reference to "the biggest mosquitos in the world." Sigh. I bet you want to hear all the stereotypes I know about New York? No? STFU then.

4:44 Gomez hits a bomb over the left field wall. His swing looked super wild, though. That's going to be the thing with Gomez offensively I think. He will be a Jacque Jones-type in that he has all the talent and the ability to produce monster games. However, it sure seems as though he is going to be MADDENINGLY inconsistent!

4:45 Larry-ahno makes Shelley Long- er- Duncan wave at a breakin' ball. I hate you Dan Gladden.

4:51 Johnny Damon sac bunt moves the runners to second and third. In a related note Johnny Damon sacrificed all respect and dignity by leaving the Red Sox for the Yankees. That guy could have been a legend in Boston. Now he is a sissy armed, Ed Hardy wearing chum.............p.

4:58 Del-mon! Del-mon! Del-mon! A sharp single up the middle, and Delmon is 2-2. He even went first to third on a ball that squirted through Pedroia into very shallow right field the other night. Del-mon! Del-mon!

5:00 Delmon takes second on a passed ball. He actually looked to be running.......Hard even.... Trade him now! While his value is soaring! Kubel looks poised to bash him in...

5:02 And by "bash him in" I meant "take a walk." Meh.

5:03 Busch DESTROYS a pitch off the right field wall, scoring two. Impressive hits, but as Lou Brown says "Off a pitcher who will be bagging groceries in a week!"

5:05 Holy Crap! It's 5-3?! That can't be right. Luke Hughes grounder eludes A-Roid for an RBI. It's now 6-3. I'm gonna have to Tivo this game to see all this scoring again.

Stop the Presses!

Kerry Wood "Pulls a Crede"






No way Kerry Wood is injured with a hurt back!? Also, A-Rod did steroids? Micheal Jackson molested children? Get out! There's a lady that had EIGHT babies? The last episode of Family Guy was not funny? News to me! I overheard someone say January in Minnesota is cold, I was all "Since when?"

Randoms

Kevin Youkilis is a douche.
He has that annoying lisp, like Rube Baker in Major League 2, and I am convinced the rumor (RUMOR) that his facial hair is solely in place to cover his STDs is totally true. Please let it be true. Last night on the NESN broadcast they had a short interview (felt like eternity) with (P)Youk in which he announced he has shaved his goatee and grown a Fu Manchu. Obnoxious in itself, more obnoxious considering he NAMED IT HIMSELF. You-Fu. It's one thing to acquire a nickname for yourself or a distinguishing feature, but it's another thing entirely to NAME YOUR OWN F-ING stache. I promise he has named his own penis. And it's name is Burny.

Perkins an Asshole?
Souhan more or less goes out of his way in this morning's Strib to call Glen Perkins an asshole. He quotes Gardy as saying his fundamentals were "lazy," and that advice just seemed to go "la la la la la" or, in one ear and out the other, when Perkins was first coming up in the system. The problem is Souhan never really brings the story full circle, which makes Perkins seem like a jerk who never changed his ways.

The last few paragraphs (throw-aways like most Souhan columns) mention Perkins working out in Lakeville with Jessie Crain. Souhan asked Minnesota native Perkins why he doesn't move south in the winter.

"Why?" he said. "I like the cornfields. I'm a Minnesotan. Stupid question."

There is no mention of a grin, or whimsy smile. That quote, read by me, came off as extremely asshole-ish. "Stupid question(PERIOD)." Boy he seems unsavory. He doesn't listen, is lazy in his preparations and is short and cocky with his words. Boy, Souhan, thanks for exposing this jerk.

But after reading this MPR interview I am not sure what to think. He seems okay there....

On the other hand, Souhan is Never, ever, ever, ever wrong about anything. So.....

Two interviews do not make a man, but something tells me Souhan is the asshole.

First fantasy draft! Live Blog Pt 1

Trolling the Yahoo message boards, I came across an invitation to what would seem to be very unique league. A league for Yahoo champions (a term used very, very loosely) that had roster positions of C,1B,2B,3B,SS,LF,CF,RF,SP,RP,B,B,B,B,B,B. So I will be drafting this team as though I were drafting a real baseball team, with a rotation and what-not.

I have the third pick, and make no mistake this is a wake and bake situation...

The draft is in 4 minutes..... some nuggets.


How about a real time photo?



9:30 am: First pick- Hanley Ramirez. Personally, I have a hard time taking players from bad teams as my first couple picks. Hanley is a monster but I have my tics.

9:31 am: With Pujols going second (an injury risk IMO) I opt for Jose Reyes third. Truth be told, I would take him with my FIRST pick if I needed to. It's a guaranteed win for the SB category.

9:32 am: A-Rod, Hamilton, Sizemore (!) and Miguel Cabrera go next. Sizemore is super talented and one of the funnest players to watch in MLB. But a fantasy stud?! I say no.

9:34- Three picks away from Santana in round 2! Come to daddy!

9:35 Sabathia goes before Johan! HAHAHAHAHA! You want to talk about a FAIL waiting to happen! Wait until CC feels that NY pressure. Plus, did you know they have hot dog stands ON EVERY STREET CORNER?! This will not end well, pinky promise.

9:37 The pick before me took BJ fricking Upton! WTF? I am not taking anyone KNOWN for jogging to first base on grounders.

9:37 This league has been Santana'd. With my third round pick I take 33 MVP. This is going to be a very, very good year.

9:40 I am looking at getting Joe Nathan and Joe Mauer in the fourth and fifth rounds. .... Got Nathan but do I grab Mauer or wait for Weiter?

9:44 Hard to pass up the reigning AL Cy Young winner, Cliff Lee in the fifth round. Pitching would seem to be very important in a league like this.... Catcher will have to wait.

9:45 Shit. The next three picks are Mauer, Soto, and McCann. I am in a little trouble here.

9:46 Weiters and Doumit still on board with three picks ahead of me. Crossing fingers and toes.

9:47 FUDGE! Weiters goes directly in front of me! Panic pick and take Jay Bruce. Come on, man, do NOT go on tilt already! The catcher fallout is a HUGE BLOW!

9:49 With the next pick, I relent and take Ryan Doumit. Not a big fan, but the next catchers on the board were Posada, Shoppach, Snyder and a few Molinas. Not pretty. So far I have drafted Reyes, Santana, Morneau, Cliff Lee, Doumit, Jay Bruce and Joe Nathan. Dec.

9:52 Third base is looking pretty grim. Zimmerman, Huff and Figgins remain, with Encarnacion and Adrian Beltre on the next teir. I will never, ever draft Encarnacion. I will roll with an empty spot on my roster. That guy is one of the biggest fantasy cock teases there is.

Fantasy Cock Teases, pt 1:

Encarnacion, E
Wells, V
Hunter, T
Milledge, L
Tejada, M
Sheets, B

First fantasy draft! Live Blog Pt 2

9:56 Fine, I'll take Brad Lidge in the EIGHTH ROUND! Actually that should read different: HELL YES I WILL TAKE LIDGE IN THE EIGHTH ROUND! YIPEEEEEE!

9:59 Sheilds or Kazmir!!! Sheilds or Kazmir???? SHEILDS OR KAZMIR?!?!

10:00 Draft Kazmir, with a K.

1002 I am starting to get bored. Waiting out 22 nerds to pick is like waiting out a slow chick flick in that once in a while there is something to make fun of, but the rest of the time you struggle just to stay awake.

10:05 Took a flyer on Nelson Cruz of Texas. This warrants further research, since I barely know who the hell he is. According to The Bill James Handbook 2009, Cruz is projected to go (.278-28-85). I'll take it if it happens, but I am not terribly happy with the pick. Sigh. So it goes.

10:08 Talent running low, I take Jose Lopez to play 2B. I was going to be content with Casilla but Lopez carried one of my teams in August last year and I am a stickler for continuity.

10:14 Draft Adrian Beltre to play 3B. Joe Crede is ranked super, super low so I should be able to grab him late and stash him on the bench.

10:15 Here is a debate for you in round 13- Greinke or Volquez?! I defer, since I have Johan, Kazmir and Lee and take Moneybags Hunter. I figure he MIGHT hit 30 HR this year, worth a 14th round flier. Possible trade bait?

10:20 Denard Span. Easy pick. Pops seems to think he will have a huge year, and he is my favorite Twin. Hey, I don't have to explain myself to you!!

10:23 Had to choose between Matt Garza and such standouts as Johnny Cueto (crap), Matt Cain (more crap), P Chris Young (super crap) and Max Scherzer (hot garbage). Makes you kinda miss Joe Mays.

10:29 Fine, I'll take the ACE OF THE TWINS STAFF with the 192nd pick. So this is my rotation (since we play this league as though there is a "rotation")
1. Johan Santana
2. Cliff Lee
3. Scott Kazmir
4. Scott Baker
5. Matt Garza
...Is that good? (And yes, it makes me very sad that three of these guys WERE ON THE SAME TEAM in 2006 and now are on 3 seperate teams...)

10:31 Crede!

Fantasy cock teases, pt II

Greene, K
Weaver, Jared
Crisp, C
Blalock, H
Hernandez, Ramon

10:35 Draft Dioneer Navarro to back up Doumit. I like Navarro a lot and honestly would have been satisfied with him as my starter. A steal this late. My next pick is Kevin Slowey. It was between him and Gavin Floyd, and I would never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever take a Pale Ho over a Twin. I am such a nerd.

10:45 With my last pick I usually try to reach for a sleeper, this year I took Ben Sheets. Hardly a sleeper, more of a reach. At least there are 2 DL spots.....

Final Roster (satisfaction scale of 1-5)
C Doumit (3)
1B Justin (5)
2B Lopez (3)
SS Jose Reyes (7)
3B Beltre (2)
LF Bruce (4)
CF Hunter (2)
RF Nelson Cruz (1? 5?)
Util D Span (4)

BN1 Crede (2)
BN2 Casilla (4)
BN3 Navarro (4)

SP1 Santana (5)
SP2 C Lee (4)
SP3 Kazmir (5)
SP4 Garza (4)
SP5 Baker (4)

BN Slowey (3)
BN Sheets (2)


RP1 Nathan (5)

BN Lidge (5)

USA Final WBC Roster

	Name	League	Organization	Position	Bats/Throws
	Broxton, Jonathan	MLB	Los Angeles Dodgers	Pitcher	Right/Right
	Fuentes, Brian	MLB	Los Angeles Angels	Pitcher	Left/Left
	Guthrie, Jeremy	MLB	Baltimore Orioles	Pitcher	Right/Right
	Howell, J.P.	MLB	Tampa Bay Rays	Pitcher	Left/Left
	Lilly, Ted	MLB	Chicago Cubs	Pitcher	Left/Left
	Lindstrom, Matt	MLB	Florida Marlins	Pitcher	Right/Right
	Nathan, Joe	MLB	Minnesota Twins	Pitcher	Right/Right
	Oswalt, Roy	MLB	Houston Astros	Pitcher	Right/Right
	Peavy, Jake	MLB	San Diego Padres	Pitcher	Right/Right
	Putz, J.J.	MLB	New York Mets	Pitcher	Right/Right
	Ryan, B.J.	MLB	Toronto Blue Jays	Pitcher	Left/Left
	Shields, Scot	MLB	Los Angeles Angels	Pitcher	Right/Right
	Thornton, Matt	MLB	Chicago White Sox	Pitcher	Left/Left
	Ziegler, Brad	MLB	Oakland Athletics	Pitcher	Right/Right
	Iannetta, Chris	MLB	Colorado Rockies	Catcher	Right/Right
	McCann, Brian	MLB	Atlanta Braves	Catcher	Left/Right
	DeRosa, Mark	MLB	Cleveland Indians	Utility	Right/Right
	Jeter, Derek	MLB	New York Yankees	Infielder	Right/Right
	Jones, Chipper	MLB	Atlanta Braves	Infielder	Switch/Right
	Pedroia, Dustin	MLB	Boston Red Sox	Infielder	Right/Right
	Rollins, Jimmy	MLB	Philadelphia Phillies	Infielder	Switch/Right
	Wright, David	MLB	New York Mets	Infielder	Right/Right
	Youkilis, Kevin	MLB	Boston Red Sox	Infielder	Right/Right
	Braun, Ryan	MLB	Milwaukee Brewers	Outfielder	Right/Right
	Granderson, Curtis	MLB	Detroit Tigers	Outfielder	Left/Right
	Hawpe, Brad	MLB	Colorado Rockies	Outfielder	Left/Left
	Sizemore, Grady	MLB	Cleveland Indians	Outfielder	Left/Left

Bonser to have "exploratory surgery" according to StarTribune.com

Doctor: "Well, we found the problem. There was a meatball clogging your shoulder."
Boof: Well, where is it?
Doctor: Where's what?
Boof: The meatball.
Doctor: I threw it out.
Boof: You....... you bastard.

Twins Weekly Link Dump

AP / February 22, 2009


According to LaVelle , Joe Crede is "Pretty close to full health." We know, LaVelle, we know. Please let us know when he is "at full health."

The signing makes the Twins favorites to win the AL Central, according to Phil Rogers of the Chicago Trib.

According to Kelly Theiser, the Twins have made no offer to Juan Cruz. I suggest getting on that, ASAP.

Scotty B will be the opening day starter at the dome April 6th.

At least one San Francisco columnist is in a tizzy over Crede coming here over San Fran.

Mark Sheldon reports on a former Twin who hasn't exactly "found his groove" since leaving Minnie.

Torii Hunter is starting to feel how he has already started to play: OLD

This is an older Joe C. item, but recession be damned, the Twins are fittin to make it rain at 34 Kirby Puckett Place.

Johan is apparently more relaxed and in better shape than last year. Good luck, NL East...

I present to you.....

10,000 chalupas + Unibrow - razor + lazy eye - all apparent hygiene =

FATOLO COLON

Gratuitous Go-Go Quote of the Week

"The only thing I heard about was Santana, Santana, Santana," Gomez said Thursday when reached at his home in the Dominican Republic. "Nothing in the news was said about Gomez, or nothing about the other players traded to the Twins. But I think all us prospects have the tools to play in the big leagues."

Separated At Birth!!!! Kansas City Edtion!

This Week: The Incest City Royals


Manager Trey Hillman/

Magnum P.I. Tom Selleck


Pitcher Doug Waechter/

Keebler Elf



Pitcher Jimmy Gobble/

Television Hero Corky from Life Goes On



Kyle Farnsworth/

Tom Hanks in Philadelphia



Outfielder Coco Crisp/

Flik from A Bug's Life



Alex Gordon/

all time douchebag the Miz


Zack Greinke/

Aaron Carter

Gratuitous Go-Go Quote of the Week

"I don't want to say I can play like Torii, that guy is unbelievable," Gomez said. "I'm just going to be Carlos Gomez. But I think I can play center. I have speed, I like to hustle and I like to slide. I think I play a good center field and hopefully the fans will get to see that."

Separated At Birth!!!! White Sox Edition!!!!!

This week: The Pale Hoes from the South Side.




First Up, everyone's favorite closer, Bobby Jenks. Cool Beard!



Boy With Balls On Chin Agrees!



There's Sox hurler Jose Contreras. Say, he looks an awful lot like......

Fictional prisoner Simon Adebisi. Odd.



Hypothetical steroid user AJ Pierzynski



and his long lost brother Yertle The Turtle



White Sox skipper, gentleman and scholar Ozzie Guillen


shares a few features Pepe Le Peau




Lookie here, it's Cuban rookie sensation Alexei Ramirez


And the one and only Starvin' Marvin




Mark Buehrle only pitches night games


To keep his skin pale like long lost kin Clip Art Dracula




Well, if it isn't Twins killer Jim Thome


And Baby Huey! How adorable!

Dave's Celebrity Athlete Bong Price Guide

I would never, ever spend $100,000 on a bong. The truth is I would never spend $1,000 on a bong either, but that only proves how ridiculous $100k is. As you have heard, Phelps' bong was on ebay this week for just that price. A little rich for my blood (peasant) but it got me wondering: Just how much would I pay for an athlete's bong?



1. Ricky Williams- 10 bucks. This thing has to be pretty well used. Have you ever smelled a resi-black, stinky, weeks-old-water bong? Ugh. It's like the first scene in Grandma's Boy, where the dude breaks the bong right before the landlord walks in. There is no covering that smell.

2. Brett Favre- 30 bucks. Heavily used, mostly with dirt weed (mixed with crushed codeine), and looks like it was made in the 60's. Favre used to be an avid packer (Ithankyou) but has been able to decide at all lately whether or not to smoke, making this a motivated seller. Unless he decides to keep it. Naw, he'll sell it. But he could maybe possibly keep it...

3. Barry Bonds- 140 bucks. I have never seen a bong like this in my life. According to the ebay listing "Barry Bonds has never put any smoke in his lungs in his life.... Rrrrroooooaaaaaarrrrr!!!! I need those to breathe. That's why I had Mr. Conte create my SyringeBong. That's right, kids! Just inject the THC directly into your ass cheek or testicle. For ages 6 and up!"

Artist's Conception


4. Alex Rodriguez- 500 bucks. I would pay 500 dollars for A Rods bong, then I would put on rubber gloves, strap that baby into the car and bring it to the sperm bank to cash in on all the semen (edit) (edit) (edit) it. Not to mention the fact he is apparently an Oompa Loompa.

5. Dick Vitale- 500 bucks. This is probably the most unlikely bong owner that I could think of. This dude has been high strung for like 60 years, a bong rip could ruin his everything. He would be calm, and introspective. He could see the forest for the trees and rationally explain the action on the court. In other words, Dick Vitale high would be like Madden high... Totally awesome.


6. Visanthe Schiancoe- 250 bucks. Take it away, ebay. "This bong is, like, three feet long and is totally just hanging out there, ready for the taking. I have this habit of whipping out at the worst times and not realizing it. Please, come take this off my hands. (You will need a friend to help carry.)"

7. Tony Romo- 75 bucks. From his Dallas Craigslist ad: "Hey y'all I rully rully needa sell ma bong Rusty. I had this guy fo a few yurs but dag nubbit he dont git along with ma ol' lady. She hangs out with him an' they interact an' go to the rodeo an' drank Cokes an' next thang ya know she got the munchies and, well, shoot we all see how that done turn out. Men if you ever, ever, (EVER!) want the old Jessica back, someone gonna hafta take thisear bong. Yee Haw!"


8. Troy Williamson- 950 bucks. If anyone can find me a bong that Williamson has so much as touched without dropping it and breaking it, I will literally pay you $1,000 cash. Today.