On Children, Baseball and the Unhealthy Marriage Between the Two. G25

Sec227 R10xxxR9 S1xxxS4



So I have a "20 game Gold Glove" package of Twins season tickets. I realize this puts me low on the season ticket holder totem pole, but what happened today was pretty ridiculous.

Apparently, today was poorly supervised and under-chaperoned kids day at the Dome. (First of all I should note: I like kids just fine. They rub me the wrong way sometimes but for the most part I am patient enough to handle them just fine.) That being said, I was more than a little overwhelmed when I got to section 227 and saw my two seats taken by a pair of acne faced 12 year olds and my row, the row in front of it and the row behind me literally crammed with junior high kids.

We asked the kids to move, but they just gave us a bunch of attitude and went and talked to their teacher. Meanwhile I went and spoke to the usher, "Gar," who seemed crabby at best. I tried explaining my situation and I asked if we could move down a few rows. He replied that we could not, because those seats are $4 more per game. I was losing my patience and asked him if it was really necessary to make me sit in "the middle of a sea of pre-pubescent children." He responded that since my seats were on the aisle "I wasn't in the middle of anything." Asshole.

So we sat in our seats (which were being kicked the whole time) and waited for the game to begin. Within three minutes an overwhelmed teacher was on the steps sitting next to me. She wanted to see my tickets. I was happy to oblige, without making any eye contact. I was feeling less than generous at the time and was pretty upset at how the situation was unfolding.

"I was under the impression that we had reserved this block of seats," she began. "I want to see if you guys are in the right spot." She looked at the tickets and wouldn't you know it we were in the right seats. Weird. I barely ever come here I can't believe I was right.

"So guys, I'm not trying to tell you what to do but we were short a couple seats and I was wondering if you wouldn't mind moving down a row. Besides, you know how junior high kids will just be up and down the whole game so maybe you would just be more comfortable moving."

Fine. We will f-ing move. Out of my "Season Tickets." Into seats owned by someone else, who will inevitably show up in the third inning and make us get up and move embarrassingly in the middle of an inning. And wouldn't you know it, they did. So we moved in a few seats, behind a fried-out homeless guy and next to a lady who glared and plugged her ears every time I clapped.

The best part of row nine was the characters who insisted on getting up to smoke one-by-one at inappropriate times in the game. They included the guy who looked like he was in the Partridge Family in the 70's and never lost the haircut; The three lesbians (one of whom inexplicably wore a chef's hat); a guy that looked like Jon Voigt from 'Deliverance'; and a huge girl with an ankle, wrist and knee brace. At one point she had a tray with a waffle cone, beer, large soda, nachos and peanuts. Diabetes!

The tipping point was when I felt the drip down the back of my sweatshirt. Already sure I had been spilled on, I stood up to survey the damage. I was now wearing a malt cup, stick and all! I was delighted that not only had I been spilled on but that the fat turd girl (who had CLEARLY had enough malt cups for one pre-teen in her day) decided not to tell me this had happened allowing it to dry. It was at this point I called it a day.

Sigh.



Oh yeah- the Twins scored 6 runs in the bottom of the seventh off a depleted bullpen, namely Bobby Seay, to win 6-5.



DBAG Fan O' the Game!

This guy sprinted down an entire row to wrestle a foul ball out of an elderly man's hands. I am not exaggerating. He tore it from this poor guys mitts.



COMPANY:Isaac (1)
Food/Bev: None
Attendance: 26,046 (55.9% full)
Seat Cost: $21.00
Parking cost: $1.50
Total Spent: $22.50
Season Total: $307.29($12.29/gm)

Game 24- Five Hours and One Hell of an Ending.

240 R15S8 5/13/09



240 R15S8 5/13/09





Dontrelle Willis. What a joke. Baseball is a funny game. If you have one or two good seasons it seems as though there will almost always be a team willing to throw millions of dollars at you. Players like Lew Ford sometimes only need HALF a season of dec to be considered MLB worthy and stick around inexplicably for years.

So it goes.

This particular game was a back and forth affair, with the Twins down 10-9 going into the bottom of the bottom of the 13th at approximately 1140 PM. After scrapping together a run to tie it, Joe Crede Walked Off with a Grand Slam at 11:58. Sweet.




DBAG FAN o' THA GAME!


Ok so sometimes I go to Twins games all by my lonesome. It's a little akward but not a big deal. Sometimes, it can actually be really fun.

That being said, the hardest part is picking a spot to sit out in GA.....by yourself. At this particular game I chose to sit pretty far up, so I wouldn't have to deal with too many people. There was a half row open in front of me and at least 15 open rows behind me.

So why the f did this teacher* need her class* to fill in the gd seats around me instead of just taking up a row or three DIRECTLY BEHIND ME! You had an ugly ass Tigers shirt on, and it made me NEED a Tigers loss, which I got in a most triumphant fashion. Good night, overbite!





COMPANY: None (9)
Food/Bev: None
Attendance: 22,178 (47.6% full)
Seat Cost: $3.08
Parking cost: $1.50
Total Spent: $4.58
Season Total: $285.29($11.88/gm)

"'Everybody needed that ... except maybe the other side," said Twins manager Ron Gardenhire, as Thursday's noon start time loomed"

Game 23---Detroilet Edition.....

234 r10S1 5/12/09




At one point Armando Galaraagaaa was a hot commodity in my fantasy league. Armando Galarrraggaaa sucks donkey balls. He pitches at a terribly slow pace, and has no out pitch. He is like a skinny Boof Bonser. Easy Twins win. It should also be noted that Jim Leyland continues to disgust me. He is like the Grandpa I am glad I never had. I would be pissed off if I were the next manager to have to use the visiting manager's office and that crusty old queef had hot-boxed it with Marlboros the entire week before. (deep breath). You suck, Leyland!




Dbag Fan of the Hood-Game

"Bitch you don't know me. My ankle hurts, so my girl, her momma and my keeds needs to sit down herr in tha handizzle capped row. Hell Yeah I see them old folk walkin up seven rows to open seats but bitch my ankle hurt! Get off me!"





COMPANY: Zach (9)
Food/Bev: None
Attendance: 24,807 (53.2% full)
Seat Cost: $3.08
Parking cost: $0
Total Spent: $3.08
Season Total: $280.71($12.20/gm)

"He hit it and I turned the wrong way," Thomas said. "So I probably could have had that one too, but I turned the wrong way off the jump and it got by me. That one was definitely hit better, so that would've been a harder play, but I still think I should've made it."

And now, for a classic Sunday Letdown. 22

S234 R2S11 5/10/09





.... And then Jose Mijares entered the game. It was the top of the eight and the Twins were clinging to a 2-0 lead. As Jose wiggled and waddled his way to the mound, the domy sky suddenly turned a noticeable shade of gray. The crowd began fidgeting in their seats.

Some relaxed after Mijares retired Ichiro to open the inning but I knew better. This Twins bullpen is BAD. Historically bad. Ron Davis bad.

Gigantic Jose proceeded to walk the weak hitting Jose Lopez, bringing up the tying run in Ken Griffey, Jr. (Do we really need to add the "Jr" still? I mean, is anyone really gonna think the old Ken Griffey is still playing?) After Mi-so-hungry-ares fell behind 2-0 I turned to Zach and said something to the effect of "Fastball. Tie game. Not going to look." and buried my head in my hands. I heard the crack of the bat and the crowds sigh. Zach tells me the ball landed in the Subway HotSpot. Who the f cares. Good god. Sign Tony Fiore or something.


COMPANY: None (8)
Food/Bev: None
Attendance: 25,555 (54.8% full)
Seat Cost: $3.08
Parking cost: $1.50
Total Spent: $4.58
Season Total: $277.63($12.61/gm)



Griffey's 26 homers at the Metrodome are the second-most by a visiting player, one behind Jim Thome. He hit it through a hole in a banner advertising a $25,000 giveaway for such a feat.

DubOne- Mauer Morneau and the secret of Life.

S238 R22S22 5/9/09



So I had two tickets to this game as part of my 20 game package.... only Wife wanted to take her pal Beki for the latter's 25th birthday. So I would have to sit in GA by myself.

This is no big deal, as I have been to plenty of games (7) by myself this year. Justin and Joey Da Gun went back to back for the second game in a row and Kuuuuuubel almost joined them by hitting a shot to the wall in center. All was well in the Dome.

The secret to life is this: If you aren't there, it will happen and you will miss it. This rule has already come to fruition twice this year. I was late for the first time all year and missed Joey's first HR.

But this was worse. As I sat alone in GA, Wife and Beki were in the row selected as "Hormel Row of Fame." As the famous song began "If you are at the game/in Hormel's row of fame...." I looked up at the jumbo screen and there was Wife, mugging for the cameras! I have not spoken to her since.

COMPANY: None (8)
Food/Bev: None
Attendance: 29,552 (63.4% full)
Seat Cost: $3.08
Parking cost: $1.50
Total Spent: $4.58
Season Total: $273.05($13.00/gm)



"I hit a home run, it doesn't happen a whole lot," Mauer said with a wide grin. "Then he's got to go back and show everybody that he can do it too. I always give him a hard time, saying, 'Hey, look at me, I can do it too.' It's all in fun."

Hells Yeah

If we did anything less against something called JAkovasaurus i'd be bummed

11-0...Is that good? Game 20!

S238 R22S15 05/08/09






My love for Joe Mauer has evolved from Man-crush to Bromance to Guy Love. I'm only a couple seconds from stalker mode. Wife, however, still loves her some Kubel. What does she know? Hail Joe!



DBAG Fan UvDagizame Son



Hey, Jerk ass group of too drunk college kids: Your schtick only works if you are good looking. On a related note, your skirts only work if you are good looking, too. When you fell down a row and your ass (literally) fell out of your pants, I heard people gagging. I'm just sayin....

COMPANY: None
Food/Bev: None
Attendance: 29,714 (63.7% full)
Seat Cost: $3.08
Parking cost: $1.50
Total Spent: $4.58
Season Total: $268.47($13.42/gm)

Player Hater: New York Gay Yankees

This is a new feature called player haters. I will go team by team until the hatred is complete...


NEW YORK GAY YANKEES

CC Sa-fat-thia- CATEGORY (overrated) Going on record admitting you "HATE THE TWINS" was just strike one. The way you cock your hat and continue to gain weight is strike two. Then, you signed with the Yankees and became truly hated. Strike Three-you are officially a douche. A fat douche.





Nick Squisher-CATEGORY (douchebag) Your head looks like a penis. Also, all of these photos happened....







Haha that's messed up. You slobbed on Vicente Padilla? Yuck! Just imagining Padilla's sweaty taint in my grill is enough to make me puke. You lived it.



Jenny Damon-CATEGORY (douchebag) Although your rocket of an arm makes it nearly impossible to hate on you, you are maybe a top 5 all-time douche. In ONE year you went from being a lovable caveman on a quirky team to a slicked-hair, suit wearing cockbag. Touche.

Hail, King douche


A-Roid- I dont really need to get into this too much. Just look:

John Danks, Superstar...

Game 19...No-no? No no no.

S234 R15 S1 05/03/09



Damn you Scott Baker, you foul temptress. For the second time in three years you teased me into believing that YES this was the time I finally got to see a no hitter.

In 2007 You got damn close to a perfect game against these same Royals. It was the second game of a doubleheader (due to the I-35 bridge collapse) and you were rolling through 8. You walked John Buck (Yeah, John Buck. What of it?) but it was still a no-no.

Then, noted thug/asshole Mike Sweeney blooped a single to left and that was that. But at least we ended up winning the game! This time, you were not as close to perfection, and you ended up even further from a win.

DBAG Fan Of The Game!!

Wife has a theory that people like this douchebag in a Yankees jersey wear such things to a Twins-Royals game because it's "Their only baseball shirt." I buy this theory for a small child, after all what is more adorable than a little kid wearing his full uniform at the Dome, down to the eye black?

However, when you are over thirty with your Twins shirt wearing wife and geeky kid, wearing a Yankee jersey is an automatic qualifier for DBAG FOG. Ass.




COMPANY:Zach (7), RA (2), Wife (3)
Food/Bev:None
Attendance: 31,845 (68.3% full)
Seat Cost: $3.08
Parking cost: $1.50
Total Spent: $4.58
Season Total: $263.90($13.88/gm)

Game 18...GD Royals

S201 R25 S7 5.2.09






I would bet a week of Craig Breslow's salary that if you put me in a Major League game I would never walk three guys in a row. Three home runs in a row? Maybe. (Okay definitely). Craig Breslow you are the official

Dbag Fan-er- Player of the game. Ass.


"Uh, Craig? The plate is behind you...."






COMPANY:None (6)
Food/Bev:None
Attendance: 29,061 (62.3% full)
Seat Cost: $3.08
Parking cost: $1.50
Total Spent: $4.58
Season Total: $259.32($14.40/gm)

Easter for Twins Fans

S234 R15 S20 5/01/09









Baby Joe-sus returned today and blessed the congregation with an opposite field blast off of the human Swine Flu, Sidney Ponson. Can anyone (anyone?!) explain why this guy gets chance after chance after sweat-inducing chance in this league. He had one DECENT season (2001) and 9 AWFUL seasons. He also beat up a judge in Aruba. Just throwing that out there.

Have you seen this guy pitch? By the third inning the back of his neck looks like a pack of frozen weiners left in the summer sun to melt, sweat and rot. Gross.

Anyhoo, the Twins rolled over Sid the Swine 7-5.


DBAG Fan(s) of the Game!

I began by somewhat loudly proclaiming a disdain for the slumping Michael Cuddyer. This chick and her big-headed boyfriend immediately turn around a profess to me their love of "Cuddy-Buddy." Sigh. I literally apologized and told them I would try to keep it down.
Predictably, a few innings later Cuddyer got a seeing eye single that snuck under the centerfielder's glove for a double.

I stood and clapped, as I am still a fan any time a Twin gets a hit. Even Punto. But what I did not expect was these two clowns to be turned around making faces and clapping in my face. I won't tell you what I said but I only needed to say one sentence to get them sitting.

COMPANY:Christy B (1), Zach (6)
Food/Bev: 1 Sprite x $4.50
Attendance: 24,727 (53% full)
Seat Cost: $3.08
Parking cost: $5.00
Total Spent: $12.58
Season Total: $254.74($14.98/gm)

Twins Beat Rays, Student Night Overrated

S234 R10 S1 4/29/09





COMPANY:None (5)
Food/Bev: 2 Dome dogs x $1.00 each
Attendance: 21,715 (46.6% full)
Seat Cost: $3.08
Parking cost: $1.50
Total Spent: $6.58
Season Total: $242.16($15.13/gm)

DBAG Fan 'O the Game!

The classic "Group of late-20's yuppies who sit and talk about the most random shit for three hours while drinking 3.2 beer." Shut......up! Don't care your thoughts on the Cubs. Don't care your thoughts on Swine Flu. Don't care your theory about Drew Peterson. Don't care that you "went and played some catch with Ry the other day." Don't. Care.

Game Number 15- Twins Win! Nathan Chokes!

234 R10 S1 4.28.09



This game will be remembered for Ben Zobrist, who hit a home run off Joe Nathan to tie the game in the ninth.


COMPANY:Zach (5)
Food/Bev: None
Attendance: 18,974 (40.7% full)
Seat Cost: $3.08
Parking cost: $1.50
Total Spent: $4.58
Season Total: $235.58($15.70/gm)

Game 14, Rays 7 Twins 1

Sec 208 R1 S4



Although Baker appears on my ticket for the evening's "performance," he sucked. Ass. Badly even.



COMPANY: Zach (4), RA (1)
Food/Bev: None
Attendance: 17,988 (38.6% full)
Seat Cost: $3.08
Parking cost: $1.50
Total Spent: $4.58
Season Total: $231.00($16.50/gm)

Torii, Wha happen? SWEEEEEEEEP!!!!

S227 R10 S2 4/19.09



















It seems like for $90 million you should know whether or not you are going to swing!

Jason Kubel once shot a WWII German plane down with a grand slam that went through the Metrodome roof, over the Atlantic and back through time.

Sec 236 R22S24 4/18/09














1. Jason Kubel strikeouts cure cancer. Too bad he has never struck out.

2. When Jason Kubel plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather walk off grand slams. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Jason Kubel instead decided to slug his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

4. Jason Kubel recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

5. Jason Kubel built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Jason met all three bullets with his bat, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

6. Jason Kubel's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF JASON KUBEL!!!!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't hasten with Jason!!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

7. Jason Kubel sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled home run hitting ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Jason roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play Guitar Hero every second Wednesday of the month.

8. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Jason Kubel smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

9. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Jason Kubel--more than meets the eye, Jason Kubel--robot in disguise," and starred Jason Kubel as a Minnesota Cop who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a Zamboni. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

10. Jason Kubel was the fourth Wise man. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Jason omitted from the Bible. Shortly after, all three died of line drive related deaths.

11. Jason Kubel lives by only one rule: No White Sox.

12. When Jason Kubel's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Jason said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a line drive to the face and said, "Never question Jason Kubel."

13. Jason Kubel once shot a WWII German plane down with a grand slam that went through the Metrodome roof, over the Atlantic and back through time.

14. A man once asked Jason Kubel if his real name is "Jasonia". Jason Kubel did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

15. Jason Kubel does not sleep. He waits.

16. Jason Kubel can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

17. Jason Kubel once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and pissed on the couch, just because he's Jason Kubel.

18. Before each Twins game, Jason Kubel is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the pitchers he faces.

19. Jason Kubel took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

20.Jason Kubel found out Conan O'Brien shows clips from his classic beatings of the Red Sox and Angels and is working on a way to make it show clips of Kubel having sex with Torii Hunter's wife.

21. The chief export of Jason Kubel is pain.

22. Jason Kubel doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I.
His have a small silver oval around them. This signifies that they are silver sluggers in every form of hitting and slug the shit out of viruses. That's why Jason Kubel never gets ill.

23. Jason Kubel frequently signs up for little leagues, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

24. Jason Kubel once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

25. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea- bagged to death by Jason Kubel.

26. On location for (unnecessary) Spring Training, Jason Kubel brought a stillborn Jose Contreras back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the aging Cuban sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Jason Kubel roundhouse kicked Contreras, breaking his neck, to remind the crew once more that Jason giveth, and the good Jason, he taketh away.

27. Jason Kubel is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right biceps.

28. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Jason Kubel.
His reasoning? It was more "humane".

29. If you can see Jason Kubel, he can see you. If you can't see Jason Kubel you may be only seconds away from death.

30. Jason Kubel ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children. When they start crying Jason Kubel calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and walk off grand slams them in the face.





COMPANY: None (2)
Food/Bev: None
Attendance: 34,286 (76%)
Seat Cost: $3.08
Parking cost: $1.50
Total Spent: $4.58
Season Total: $221.84($18.48/gm)