KuUUUuuuuUUUUuuUUBbbBBBbbBBbBBbEeeeeeSSSssSS

S234, R11S2 4/17/09



Your granddad and me met each other all the way back in 2004, when the heinous George Bush was reigning terror across America (just like your history books have taught you). Our first date took place on April 17th, a Twins game vs the Royals.

While Dave wore his Twins hat and jersey as he would to any game, I decided to wear a "cute" outfit (miniskirt, fashion hat, full makeup etc). It was the last time I would commit such a faux pas.

Five years and many, many (many) Twins games later we were married. The Twins happened to be home on the fifth anniversary of our first date so we circled it on the calendar and planned to attend.

Grandpa had been crabby ALL DAY, and numerous times on the way hinted he didnt want to go to the game at all. Everything from the 'parking hassle' to 'getting up early' to 'simple laziness' was lobbed into the air as possible ways out. I kept telling him I had a feeling that it was going to be the best game ever, and that we should go. Grudgingly, he accepted.

After the first two innings he was asking me if I wanted to leave, but I said "Absolutely not. I would never leave a game early for I am a real fan." However, as the game went on his demands to leave became more intense. At one point he grabbed my wrist and attempted to force me from my seat. I told him to "MAN UP" and said if he wanted to leave he better find a bus schedule.

With the Angels leading 8-4 heading to the top of the eighth, and Matt Guerrier on to "pitch," Dave demanded to leave. He grabbed his jacket, and stood at the bottom of the section waiting for me to get up and go.

You see, he had been to the previous two nights games- both blowouts due to the insanely inept 09 bullpen -and had seen enough. When Guerrier threw a wild pitch, then gave up a sac fly to mortal enemy Torii Hunter Dave reached a fever pitch and was BOOing wildly.

I marched down to the bottom of the stairs, leaving my purse and jacket in my seat. When I got to the bottom of the stairs I slapped your grandpa right in his blasphemous face, drawing blood. With a look of anger and sadness consuming his face he moped back to his seat and began to sob. "You will thank me later," I said.

Then, as I knew it would, it began. Cuddy with a walk and a steal of second. Crede walked. Redmond SMOKED a single over Kendry Morales' head at first for an RBI.

9-5, One out.

With Jose Morales (no relation) running for Red Dog, Punto walked in a great AB, loading the bases for Denard Span. De-Nard Dogg slapped a double through the right-center field gap, scoring two.

9-7, One out.

Punto on third, Span on second. Only one out. At this point I woke up your Grandpa who had fallen asleep long ago. He awoke in time to see B Harris strikeout looking, and was not happy for being woken up for nothing. "Brendan Harris?! Really?!," he said grumpily.

9-7 Two out.

"But Justin Morneau is up next! So obviously he will get a hit!" I exclaimed. Grandpa shot me down quickly: "They will just walk him. Now let me sleep." I rolled my eyes and clapped loudly to wake him up.

Well, they did walk Morneau, the go ahead run, to face Jason Kubel. Kubel was 3-4 at this point, with a single, double and triple. He took a first pitch curveball, then.....



DBag fan of the game: This guy below, who wears his hat in such a manner that it looks like it should have a propeller on top...




COMPANY: Wife (2)
Food/Bev: None
Attendance: 24,168 (53%)
Seat Cost: $3.08
Parking cost: $3.00
Total Spent: $6.08
Season Total: $216.26($19.66/gm)

OMFG SOS

Section 208 R1S4 4/16/09



Sorry ass bullpen.....stupid Luis Ayala. Sigh. A Jay ass whuppin'.


DBag Fan of the Game!


Ponytail? Check.
Glasses? Check.
Backwards Marlboro hat? Check.
Jnco jeans? Check.
Drinking Mike's Hard Lemonade? Check.
Gangster walk? Check.
Dbag? Check.




COMPANY: Kipper (2)
Food/Bev: None
Attendance: 15,169 (33%)
Seat Cost: $3.08
Parking cost: $1.50
Total Spent: $4.58
Season Total: $210.16 ($21.01/gm)

This game never happened.

S227R10S1 4/15/09


Some might say the Blue Jays won this game 12-2, but they are lying. In my opinion it is okay to punch that person in the face.... Adios, Humber.

Scott Baker, who was supposed to be good seeing as how his picture was on my ticket (an honor not given to Liriano) gave up like a millionteen home dingers.

"Maybe if I don't see it go over the fence it isn't really happening..."





DBAG fan o' the game!!!


This retard had a retarded friend wearing orange socks and girl jeans. I could not get a picture because I was scared that it may break the camera... These hosers held up a 1992 Blue Jays championship banner for the entirety of the game. 1992. Really?




COMPANY: Mom (1)
Food/Bev: 2x Hot Dog ($2.00)
Attendance: 19,471 (43%)
Seat Cost: $21
Parking cost: $1.50
Total Spent: $22.50
Season Total: $205.58 ($22.84/gm)

Section 213

Section 213 R1 S2 4/14













General Admission seats in the Metrodome are located in the Upper Deck Outfield, sections 214(Foul territory, Right Field) through 234 (Left field corner, foul ground). These seats are a bargain at $8, provided you know where to sit.

Sections 212-213 provide the best vantage points of the aforementioned sections, with a catch. The seats are perched directly on top of the right field wall, making these seats closer to the action than many of the seats in the Home Run Porch, (Lower deck outfield). But here's the thing: You have to arrive early enough to sit in the front row. I cannot stress this enough. This typically means showing up at least an hour before game time, as they are first come-first served. IMPORTANT: If you arrive too late, and are forced to sit anywhere but THE VERY FRONT ROW please move on to a different section as described below. If you are in so much as row 2, which sounds fine, the rows below you will cut off nearly your entire view of the outfield. The higher up you go, the worse it is obviously.

The seats are fairly close to the action, situated over the famous baggie, and are well within taunting range for the RF and entire visiting bullpen (if you are into that sort of thing). The leg room is insane. Plenty of balls get hit up here in BP not to mention games, and concessions and exits are free and clear. For your 8 dollars, this cannot be beat...


Your next best bet is to try section 208, dead center field. Again the front row is key here, but not quite as extremely. This section puts you kind of far away from the action, but you are dead center with home plate making this a great ball/strike viewing area. Leg room is again a plus, as well as the concession situation. No lines.


I will fill you in on my other favorites later, as well as any new ones I discover. I leave you with the D Bag Fan O' the Game,..


It should be obvious by the picture how awful this chick was. The game you are attending features a team named the Twins. They are from Minnesota which is home to a multi-purpose stadium known as the HHH MetroDOME. The key here is that it is a Dome. There is a roof. No sunglasses needed. Also, no dirty looks needed every time I clap or boo. I know the guy next to you is crazy, because you literally almost drove me nuts from ten feet away for two hours. She was obviously a huge fan, though, as she left in the sixth inning of a tie game....

COMPANY: Zman (3)
Food/Bev: Ice Cream (3.50)
Attendance: 15,375 (34%)
Seat Cost: $3.08
Parking cost: 0
Total Spent: $3.08
Season Total: $179.90 ($22.48/gm)

It's only been a week...

Section 208 R1 S3



But to me, a few things are clear

1. Delmon Young is not the answer. I understand the Twins are trying to save face by keeping Young (and probably Harris for that matter) and are trying their hardest to justify giving away Bartlett and Garza. But this is inappropriate due to the fact that we have THREE other outfielders who are ready to contribute NOW. If there is a fly ball hit anywhere down the line, Del will waddle a few steps and play it on a hop or two. Span goes full speed for every ball, but I suppose that's easier when you aren't carrying a baby pouch. I understand that Delmon is 22, and most 22 year olds are in AA and yada yada yada. But this isn't a team that has three or four years to baby a project. Plus, we already have Gomez to frustrate the crap out of us and he is actually likable. Delmon does not fit in here, just ask Gardy or any reporter covering the Twins. Perhaps we send him to the Marlins and let him plod around with other "prospects." I'll take 'Nard Dog.

2. The bullpen will be the nasty demise of this team. Luis Ayala looks awful. The teams reliance on Matt Guerrier and Jesse Crain is an awful, awful thing that has baffled me for years.....And what after that? Humber? No thanks. Duensing? Really? It's not that I don't think the younger guys in the bullpen will eventually good. They simply looked overmatched now, though.

3. If used correctly, R.A. Dickey will have a really nice year in the dome. His knuckler was insane tonight, his first home-dome appearance for the Twins. He had a special place in tonights game as the 'only pitcher who could get anyone out all night for either team.'

4. This could be a rough season for attendance. It was really empty tonight and the scalper situation is out of control. It seems as if tons of people bought season tickets this year for priority next year, with no intention of going to any games in the meantime. This leaves the scalpers with a surplus of tickets, usually for dirt cheap. Man, the place was quiet tonight.
Douchebag FOG! There is something really endearing and (no homo) cute about little kids showing up at the game with their gloves, trying to get a player's attention for that priceless souvenir baseball. It is waaaay less cute when it is three 20 something drunk men, wallowing "Deeeennnnnaaaaarrrrrdddddd!!!!" for seven innings. When he looked up, mercifully, in the eighth inning the men stood and cheered and peed themselves. Sigh.

STATS:

COMPANY: Zman (2)
Food/Bev: None
Attendance: 16,410 (22%)
Seat Cost: $3.08
Parking cost: 0
Total Spent: $3.08
Season Total: $176.82 ($25.26/gm)

Live jottings from the phone

.... Justin Morneau has four gold glove caliber plays through the first four innings. A nice catch by the third base camera well, a sliding catch in front of the Blue Jays dugout, A nice cutoff of a throw home (resulting in an assist at 2nd), and a heads up play holding a runner at third, getting the force at first, then throwing across the diamond to nail the listing Overbay at third

....It was obvious that Slowey was done after the fifth. It's possible he was done after four as he struggled mightily to get out of that fifth frame. For some reason Gardy thought otherwise and kept Slow Dog out there in the sixth. Rolen spanked the first pitch of the inning for a single, then Overbay followed with a line drive homer to center. This cut the score to 6-5...

...Is Ron Gardenhire sleeping in the dugout? There is no fire on that bench at all...

...Matt Guerrier is unbelievably bad at baseball...

...The kiss cam has to be stopped. The thought (and accompanying mental images) of senior citizens making out is no longer original OR funny.

US Cellular Field, or, the Unfriendly Confines

S534 R7 S16 4/12/09// S527 R9S1 4/11/09

Just going to put a few things out there about my fourth, and final, trip to the Cell.....



....The concessionaires could not be more clueless and rude. As gay as it sounds, I wanted me some hot chocolate. It was 23 degrees with no sun in our seats, and I couldn't feel my feet after the fourth inning. So I went to the generic booth, and waited for the woman behind the counter to sleepwalk her way through the seven people in front of me. 25 minutes later it was my turn. I excitedly ordered a large hot chocolate, a bargain at just under four dollars! The exchange went exactly like this:

Me: "One large Hot Chocolate, please."
Bitch: "We ain't got no hot chocolate."
Me: "You ain't got no hot chocolate? When do you think you will have some more?"
Bitch: (rolls eyes) "I don't know." (asks co-worker) "Be like 'bout three minutes."
Me: "Ok, I'll wait."

After about five minutes I get back in line, and eventually order a hot chocolate. To wit:

Me: "One large hot chocolate, please."
Same Bitch: "We ain't got no hot chocolate."
Me: "About ten minutes ago, you said three minutes.... How long do you think it will be this time?"
Same Bitch: "Huh?"
Me: "About ten minute....ah, screw it"

Off to the next stand I went, waited in line and was poised to order a hot chocolate, finally. However, as I got to the front of the line the manager approached the cashier and asked her to "take about five minutes to wipe down your station." Good timing. So I wait. And wait. And wait. Finally, after mindlessly wiping the same spot for a while she asks what I would like. I reply, one hot chocolate please." Can you guess what she said?

I was now at the last stand on our concourse, as our upper level tickets would grant us neither lifeboats in case of emergency or access to lower concourse food and bev. I stood dejectedly in line, no longer hopeful and contemplating suicide. I approached the counter and of course was told that there was no hot chocolate.

But then, something happened. He put his finger up as if to say "One second." And do you know what that brilliant man did? He opened the super sized hot chocolate bag used to make large batches of the brew, and poured just a little into a cup. Then, he took said cup and filled it with hot water from the coffee dispenser. Brilliant! I had hot chocolate! Thanks for doing that for me, two previous stands! Bastards....

....Also, The Cell is apparently a sweatshop. This little guy pictured below looked like he was no older than maybe 14. And they gave him the pain in the ass gig of lugging fountain sodas and peanuts. That stuff looked super heavy. I don't mean to rip the guy if he is older I just sympathize with him, man. Not to mention it was Easter...



....They could charge double for seats down the third base line in April and I would pay it. The sun is the ONLY factor in the enjoyment of a game at this stadium. You are either seated on the third base side in the sun, making the temp a decent 43 degrees with a slight breeze or you are on the first base line in the dank, dark shade. Here you will notice a 15 degree temperature change along with a constant cold wind. Our seats on Saturday were on the first base side. Despite wearing long underwear, two pair of socks, a thermal undershirt, wool sweater and hooded sweatshirt we all nearly froze to death.
Brilliantly, we doubled our layers on Sunday. When we sat down, we were in the most gorgeous sun ever. I was sweating by the fourth inning, and I felt bad for telling Erin to "layer up big time." Sigh. I hate the Cell...


....Stayed at a buddy's apartment in downtown Chicago. On Saturday night we went to eat at Giordano's which is apparently a pretty famous spot. Well, the pizza tasted fine and dandy and on the way home I had some Green Tea. I awoke at 6 am on a strange couch, feeling nautious. I crept to the bathroom as the inevitable filled my cheeks but it was in use! Wtf, it's six am!? I did what I had to do and went out to the fifth floor balcony where I leaned over and painted a Buick pizza sauce orange. My bad.


Dbag fan of the Game!!! (Sunday only)
I was actually gonna try to do a sort of live blog on Saturday but I literally couldn't feel my fingers enough to even take a pic of the D bag fan. Here is Sunday's:

Hahaha you would wear a KIDS SGA jersey!! I mean, really?? You are like 40 and that thing is tiny, mang!

STATS:

COMPANY: ARoid 2 (2), Kurt 2 (2), Erin (1)
Food/Bev: Hot choc (3.75), 2x Hot Dog (2/$3.25), peanuts ($4.00), 1 Pepsi (3.50) tot $14.50
Attendance: (33,935 84% (SAT)/25,571 63% (SUN) )
Seat Cost: $20 (sat), $23 (sun)
Parking cost: $10 (train pass) ($25.00 gas to Chi)
Total Spent: $92.50
Season Total: $173.74 ($28.95/gm)

Oh, I'm So Scared

Scared he might eat me, that is....


THIS is your starter on Saturday, Sox fans. It's hard to type when you are shaking so much. See ya Saturday Ozzie.

Day game, Nap Time

234 R12 seat4 4/9



Even Glen Perkins' fabled Golden Arm could not save the Twins today.

Thursday afternoon game, which meant the audience consisted mainly of handicapped folks, children and the unemployed. Needless to say, the crowd was not a factor today. I think I dozed off at least twice, but while I was awake I noticed the TWINS SWUNG AT THE FIRST OR SECOND PITCH damn near all day! I understand being overconfident against Jarrod Washedup (Half man-Half Chipmunk), but when he is laboring through the seventh and eighth innings it seems to me ya gotta take a few and wait for the inevitable mistake. Sigh. What do I know... On the plus side, great start by Perkins, with plenty of credit due to the defense.





Also, D bag fan of the Game!


Who the heck takes their toddler outside to have a cigarette with them? A D Bag fan of the game that's who!

STATS:

COMPANY: Kipper (1)
Food/Bev: None
Attendance: 20,015 (44%)
Seat Cost: $3.08
Parking cost: $1.50
Total Spent: $4.58
Season Total: $81.24 ($20.31/gm)

Dollar Dog Night....My biggest weakness!

S234 R14 S22 4/8

Silva! Silva! Silva! The Twins went all South Korea on that ass!


Notes on a Wednesday:

It was the first student night of the year. The women attended accordingly. However, I have decided I am not able to look at women anymore. You see I am in my late 20's and I can no longer tell the difference between a 16 year old and a 23 year old. Can't do it.

There was a pretty good fight in the upper deck under the curtains. Amazingly, 2,000 fans noticed that the fight was about to happen before one security guard could. After a few punches and the obligatory slide-down-a-few-rows-while-grappling, about 12 rent-a cops whisked the offenders away.

The Twins should consider heating the dollar dogs up for the customers. I understand they are a good deal and beggars can't be choosers. But please at least microwave them.

Let us not forget the douchebag fan of the night, the mid-30's commenting on obviously underage girls guy....


STATS:

COMPANY: Naj (1), Zman (1)
Food/Bev: Two Hot Dogs (1.00/ea.)
Attendance: 22,270
Seat Cost: 3.08
Parking cost: $0
Total Spent: $5.08
Season Total: $76.66 ($25.55/game)

NL West (Because I can't just skip one division)

No idea wtf this is all about, but I do see a Vick jersey. Yikes.



1. Los Angeles Dodgers- I mean, the other teams in this division are pretty bad, and the Dodgers are just kind of bad. I mean, they have some good players but they overpay for them. Their pitching, especially starting pitching, is suspect. Their highest paid player is notorious for pouting and sitting out games over mysterious "injuries." But, who is going to beat them? San Fran? No. San Diego? Sigh. The only team dec enough to make even a mini-run at LA is Arizona and I can't see that happening.

2. Arizona DBacks- Their most marketable player is Eric Byrnes. Why the hell does everyone love Eric Byrnes so much. I mean, really? FSN Arizona actually gave this guy his own show! To wit:

So, he dresses up like Hulk Hogan?! Cool! And did you hear him growling at those kids? Brilliant!! There isn't a big enough SIGH in the world. This is a guy who has had exactly ONE good season in the majors and makes 11.6 million dollars this year... As Seinfeld would say, "Good luck with allllll of that."

3. Colorado Rockies- The Rockies will suck. Luckily for them, the Giants and Padres exist. Call me crazy, but I haven't been a fan of this team since Todd Helton fell off the face of the earth. (What's that? He still plays?! And makes 16.6 million! No way.) Anyhoo, this is one of the more unremarkable teams in MLB. Brad Hawpe? Clint Barmes? No thanks.

4. San Francisco Giants- Even though I realize that for whatever reason I have mentioned money in each and every one of these NL West capsules, I am bringing it up again. The Giants boast what many consider to be the two worst contracts in all of baseball. Edgar Renteria (Two Years, 18.5 million) and of course the infamous Zito contract (7 Years, 126 million). Maybe they should trade for Carlos Silva to complete the trio.

500. San Diego Padres- No one wants to talk about the Padres, who will lose 110 games this year. Let's talk about San Diego instead.

Ron Burgundy: 1001, 1002, 1003.
Veronica Corningstone: Uh, Mr. Burgundy? Helen said that you needed to see me.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, Miss Corningstone. I wasn't expecting company. Just doing my workout. Tuesday's arms and back.
Veronica Corningstone: Well, you asked me to come by, sir.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, did I?
Veronica Corningstone: Yes.
Ron Burgundy: Ohh, it's the deep burn. Oh, it's so deep. Oh, I can barely lift my right arm 'cause I did so many. I don't know if you heard me counting. I did over a thousand.

Ron Burgundy: Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina.
Veronica Corningstone: No, there's no way that's correct.
Ron Burgundy: I'm sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don't know what it means. I'll be honest, I don't think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.
Veronica Corningstone: Doesn't it mean Saint Diego?
Ron Burgundy: No. No.
Veronica Corningstone: No, that's - that's what it means. Really.
Ron Burgundy: Agree to disagree.

Game of the Year?

4/07/09 234 R11 S2


Renee Jones Schneider, Star Tribune 04/07/09



I damn near commited a cardinal sin of Twins fandom. After Delmon flew out for the second out in the ninth, I held back tears and gathered my things. I was indeed headed if not for the exits, at least to a door closer to where I parked. I was admitting defeat.

Then, Gomez walked. I saw it on the screen in front of a closing Field Fare stand. I wandered into an aisle to watch. Section 221. Gomez steals second on defensive indifference. Kubel pinch hit, and here is the question:

With Punto on deck and Gomez on second, do you walk Kubel even though he is the tying run?

The M's seemed to think the answer is yes, and Brandon "Meltdown" Morrow unintentionally-intentionally walked him. That put runners on first and second, two outs. Buscher was announced as the pinch hitter for Punto (Where is Chip Hale?) and after 7 fastballs Morrow had walked the bases loaded.

Side note: The older (sorry, if you for God knows what reason read this) usher woman, whom I had nestled up to after aborting my hasty retreat, asked me "Is he doing this (walking them) intentionally?" I had no good answer for her.


Waka waka waka then opted to bring in Miguel Bautista, ensuring doom for all those in Teal and um, more teal. Denard Span hit an infield single that absolutely blew Adrian Beltre's mind, allowing Gogogogo to score. Then, the lost Wayans brother (Alexi), well you know....

Tomorrow night will be Silva, as well as the first Student Night. It ought to be interesting to say the least. Oh, before I forget.... D bag fan of the night.

Hey, I'm the way too drunk third wheel!! Whee!!




STATS:

COMPANY: None
Food/Bev: None
Attendance: 23,755 (52%)
Seat Cost: $3.08
Parking cost: $1.50
Total Spent: $4.58
Season Total: $71.58 (35.29/game)

Erik Bedard, Gangster

836Ok. So it took me an hour and a half but I finally got the mobile blogging station up and running. Its live, bottom 5th, and the Twins are showing life for the first time all night. (All series, really). Gomez led off with a triple, followed by a morales K, then a Punto plunking. Span singled and stole second while Casilla struck out. Next up, my soon to be least favorite Twin, Duddy with runners on 2nd and 3rd.
Duddy has already struck out once with a RISP, then hit a meaningless single in his second AB. He quickly falls behind 0-2 before evening the count at 2-2. He takes two pitches so close that the HOME crowd oohhhhs.
Like clockwork, a single scoring two. 4-3 Ms.
Thats the thing with shit-talking particular Twins, it is win-win. Either the guy gets out, providing me with a smirk and "I told you so." If he gets a hit (which almost always happens if I am busy knocking them) then it benefits my favorite team.

The Opener

Notes from the Opener:

- Michael Cuddyer has got to go. He didn't play much last season, so I had forgotten his inability to recognize a strike until the ball is deeeeep into the strike zone resulting in some pretty awkward swings. Although, he did have the only RBI of the game.

- Kubel needs to start in Left, Gomez in Center, Span in Right. All three of these players are young (Span the oldest at 25), which means they still have a little something called 'upside.' Is Delmon Young's ceiling higher than Cuddy's (flash in the pan) 'o6 season? I would say the answer is "yes." I realize Cuddyer is the only one of the four making big money, but it isn't untradable.

- The Twins dropped the ball (at least a little bit) by introducing the Twins players, then performing the National Anthem and then playing a video/speech in rememberance of late owner Carl Pohlad. A tribute is fitting indeed to the man, but the timing was bad. The crowd was pretty pumped up after the lineups were announced, and the tribute seemed to drag and drag....

- Oh, man. Morneau should have taken a couple pitches before grounding into that killer inning-ending DP. King Felix was having trouble finding the plate, having given up a pair of singles and a walk to Span before getting Casilla to pop up for the first out. Cuddyer followed with a clutch RBI single on a 1-0 pitch and it appeared this could be the breakout inning for the offense. Morneau, perhaps feeling the pressure of carrying the offense or maybe just anxious on opening day, grounded to 2nd baseman Lopez for the easy DP.

- Opening Day seems to bring out the most douchey fans. In my section alone:

The big middle aged woman flipping off the field anytime ANYTHING went against the Twins. Classy.

The group of emo 30-somethings in the row in front of ours. They all had goofy moustaches (funny if it's one guy, stupid if there are 6 of you). Also, what is with the dirty bandana that you dirty emo kids always have to wear, usually around your neck? It looks stupid. These guys were dorks on their own, but the one guy flipping through the photos on his digi cam took the cake. Pictures of a three year old smoking a joint with a roach clip are not funny. They are sick, and wrong. My coke spilled on your coat on purpose.
Douchebag fan of the night!!!


The big girl who swore super loudly, with her purple hair. I referred to her all night as "Fat Von D," as she looked like a (very) plus sized version of the LA Ink star.

The twenty year old kid who nearly cried after getting a little beer spilled on his Torii Hunter jersey. After the girlfriend of the jersey owner confronted the spiller, an onlooker replied "Who the (heck) cares?! It's a (freaking) Hunter jersey!" Comedy.


STATS:

COMPANY: Marty, the Gramps, Kev Kev, Wife
Food/Bev: None!
Attendance: 48,514 (106%)
Seat Cost: 31 (x2 wife) 62.00
Parking cost: $5
Total Spent: $67.00
Season Total: $67.00

NL Central Preview (Yawn)

1. Chicago Cubs- They are the only team in the Central that seems like they are even half-ass trying. The rotation has Lily, Harden and Big Z, the lineup features Soriano, Ramirez, Lee etc and they play the Pirates and Reds like 40 times. Looks like another first round exit in Wrigleyville. Prediction: 110 Wins, 0 playoff wins.

2. St. Louis Cardinals- I would use the term "First loser" when describing this team, the second best of the worst division. They have Poo-Holes, but it literally ends there. (Rick Ankiel was a cute story, but we have Josh Hamilton now!) Skip Schumaker and Kyle Lohse do not a contender make. Prediction: Lohse traded to Yankees mid-season, is never heard from again.

3. Houston Astros- Now here is a team that is pretty dec on paper, but awful in reality. A rotation featuring stud Roy Oswalt and up and coming star Wandy Rodriguez, coupled with Lance Berkman, Hunter Pence and, um, Jeff Bagwell(?) should keep this team around .500. Ivan Rodriguez,Darin Erstad, Russ Ortiz and Mike Hampton may take this team below it. Prediction: Roger Clemens becomes pitching coach, Mike Hampton wins 17.

4. Pittsburgh Pirates- Just about every other year, someone predicts the Pirates will have a "Breakout year." Not this guy. The Pirates continue to have some big-time prospects, but as usual they will turn out to be just "Ok." Remember how good Freddy Sanchez was going to be? Zach Duke? Their roster includes ballers such as Eric Hinske and Craig Monroe. Yikes. Prediction: Jeff Karstens wins NL ROY.

5. Milwaukee Brewers- Am I the only one who just doesn't see it with this team? Some (cough) experts are predicting that the Brew Crew will win the Central. I will give you this if Butthole Selig would have kept this team in the AL they would indeed win the Central. Built on Power, and very little else, this team reminds me of the White Sox of a few years ago. Only that team had Freddy Garcia, Mark Buehrle, and Jose Contreras. The Brewers have Gallardo, Suppan and Braden Looper. Yikes. This may be the only team in MLB whose hitters accumulate more K's than their pitchers. Ouch. Prediction: Ryan Braun hits 50 HR this season.

6. Cincinnati Reds- The Reds, like the Astros, have a lot of talent on their roster as usual. However, the Reds carry that unenviable stigmata of a sorry sack team. Jay Bruce and Joey Votto are obviously stars, but what after that? Prediction: Edinson Volquez loses 13 games this year.

NL East Predictions

That is a family, which means that Mr. Met had unprotected sex with a female Mr. Met.



2009 MLB Season Predictions

National League

East

1. New York Mets- I picked the Mets to win the East because after two near-misses in '07 and '08 they actually IMPROVED their main weakness, the bullpen. Adding JJ Putz and K-Rod raises this team's stock significantly. In a couple years, Fernando Martinez will dominate. For now, Reyes and Wright will do just fine, thanks.

2. Philadelphia Phillies- Yes, I realize they are the defending champions. (Wait till you see where the Rays end up) Somehow, I just don't think Joe Blanton and Jamie Moyer are enough to guide them to a third straight division title. Also, Ryan Howard will strike out 300 times. Watch.

3. Florida Marlins- The best rotation in the division. Arguably the best player in the National League, if not all of baseball. They have All Star Game human blooper reel Dan Uggla. But quick,name their catcher.... I'll wait...... Got it? (John Baker, duh). Now name two starters not named Nolasco.... Can't do it, can you?

4. Atlanta Braves- Once a proud franchise, their star player is now aging rapidly and the once-feared pitching rotation of Glavine, Maddux, Smoltz and Avery is a generation removed. The Braves starters now include the following: Derek Lowe (Ugh, never been a fan), Javy Vazquez (hahaha), Jair Jurrens (Jair? I hardly know her!), and of course something called Kenshin Kawakami.

19. Washington Nationals- The Nationals are like the Alternative Learning Center of MLB. Elijah Dukes, wifebeater and Child dater calls Washington home. That's nice. Alleged transvestite Ronnie Belliard mans second, while he tries not to get eaten by the guy that looks like he ate Cristian Guzman.